When Will It Be My Turn?

chapter 18

"What do you want, Azari?" I asked as I looked into her direction.

"Let's talk."

"Let's talk tomorrow, I'm tired." Is the only thing I said before grabbing my things as I walked up the stairs.

pero bago pa man ako tuluyang makaakyat, hinawakan ni Azari ang pulsuhan ko at pinaharap ako sakanya.

"Just this once, can you let me talk first?" She asked sincerely, she looks defeated and it seems like wala siyang tulog ilang araw na.

"5 minutes, you have 5 minutes to talk." I defeatedly said. My heart aches seeing her like this.

Wala siyang masabi at para bang nakikipagtalo pa siya sa isip niya, pinaglalaruan niya ang dulo ng tela ng damit niya at para bang hindi niya alam ang sasabihin niya. Hinintay ko siya ng ilang segundo pero wala.

"Time is ticking, Azari. Kung wala kang sasabihin, magpapahinga na 'ko." Irita kong turan at aakyat na sana nang bigla siyang magsalita.

"About what you saw that day." Panimula nito.

"It's not what you think it is." Mahina niyang sinabi pero rinig na rinig ko, halata sa boses niya ang kaba at pag aalinlangan.

But what gets my attention more is why is she explaining herself? Hindi naman kami, wala namang ganung relasyon sa pagitan namin so bakit siya nagpapaliwanag?

"Please, don't get it wrong." She said softly, she looks like a kid saying sorry to a mistake she had done. 

"Why are you doing this?" 

"What?" She asked confused on why I asked her that.

"I said, bakit mo ginagawa 'to? What do you want, Azari?"

"I don't want something, I just don't want you to get it wrong, I-" 

"Exactly! What do you want? You're acting like you care sa kung anong iisipin ko, you're acting like you really consider me as your wife even though you're not." Galit kong turan at tinignan siya sa mata ng madiin, I can feel my eyes being teary as those words left my mouth.

Why is she acting this way? is she playing with me right now? Is this some sort of her revenge again?

"I don't know, I- I just don't want you to think that there's something going on between me and Olivia." She said also confused kung bakit nga ba ganun ang nararamdaman niya. 

"Bakit wala ba? I saw you kiss her, Azari. I saw how happy you are, how glad you are that day that she's there so why are you doing this?" Tanong ko kasabay ng pagtulo ng luha ko dahil naalala ko na naman lahat, kung paano niya yakapin si Olivia, kung paano niya tignan ito na parang takot na takot siya mawala ito sa paningin niya. 

Ganun na ganun niya 'ko tignan nung gabing may mangyari sa'min, ganun na ganun niya 'ko halikan nung lasing siya, at ang sakit. Ang sakit sakit kasi lagi kong naalala yun, parang hinihiwa ng buo ang puso ko at wala akong magawa kundi manood at manood hanggang sa patuloy akong pinapatay ng lahat.

Para akong pinupugutan ng hininga, patuloy na sinasakal ng mundo. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang tatakbuhan ko, hirap na hirap na ang puso ko. Alam niya kung gaano ko siya kamahal pero bakit ginaganto niya 'ko? Why is she acting like she care? Why is she acting like she care about what I would think?

"i told you, it's not what you think it's like, Celine. Maniwala ka naman sa'kin." She said convincingly as she held my hand and squeezed it tight, while looking me straight in the eye.

I chuckle softly and looked at her unbelievable. "Fuck, are you drunk again?" I laugh cry as I punched her chest lightly and weakly. Nanghihina ako ng sobra, tangina naman.

"Ano ba, Azari? Ako ba yung lalapitan mo kapag lasing ka? For what? So you can fuck me again? Huh? Ayun ba ang gusto mo? Fuck, you can just ask for it, ni hindi mo na nga kailangan maglasing, tangina. Ibibigay ko sayo. You want this huh? I'll give it to you." I pulled her shirt as I pulled her close to me and kissed her hard, deep.

I held her hand and put it in my chest as I groped my own boobs using her hand, she managed to pull her hand back but that didn't stop me to make her touch me. She won't stop resisting, she keeps pushing and pushing me but that only made me deepen our kiss more. I bite her lips as I pulled her closer by her nape, mas pinalalim ko ang halik naming dalawa hanggang sa tuluyan niya 'kong naitulak at pinunasan ang labi niya.

"Fuck, stop this Celine. I'm not drunk." She looked at me intently, upset on why I did that.

"Not drunk? Then why the fuck are you doing this, huh?" I angerly asked as I keep pushing her but fuck, I feel so weak. ni hindi ko siya maitulak ng malakas. bumagsak ang mga tuhod ko at mas bumuhos ang mga luha ko nang tuluyan nang bumagsak ang tuhod ko sa sahig.

"I told you, I just don't want you to get it wron-"

"For once, can you stop playing with my feelings?" Tignan ko siya habang patuloy na tumutulo ang luha ko, rinig na rinig pa rin sa boses ko ang galit at puot.

"Ilang beses ko ba kailangan sabihin sa'yo na hindi ko ginusto 'to? Na wala naman talaga akong ginawa para mangyari 'to? Ilang beses pa ba? Pagod na kasi ako, Azari. Pagod na pagod na 'ko, tama na, ayoko na. Please, let me go." My voice became softer and weak, my angry voice turned into a begging one. I looked at her straight in the eye as those words left my mouth.

I saw how her gaze softened as she wipes the tears that keeps falling onto my cheeks. She hugged me and whisper assuring words to me. 

"Please, let me go.. please let me go.. please let me go.." I keep whispering those words as she hugged me tight and didn't stop whispering assuring words to me.

I don't know how long she done that but I just found myself being sleepy and my vision became blurred and I lose my consciousness.