When Will It Be My Turn?

chapter 10

I'm now here sitting in a coffee shop, looking at that person who's the reason why I'm here in the first place.

she invited me for us to talk. and I just agreed because she said she has to say something important to me.

while waiting for her to finish ordering, I started getting nervous as her eyes met mine. she flashed me a small smile that I all knew wasn't true. and it didn't feel and look genuine.

it was a forced smile, her smile held sadness. And I feel so guilty knowing I'm the reason why we're here in this situation.

it didn't take long, as she approached our table carrying the things she ordered. she handed me the cappuccino drink she ordered for me, and I just thanked her without meeting her eyes.

I heard her sigh, before she looked at me seriously and.

she straight forwardly said the things that had been bothering her, and sat in front of me as her gaze didn't leave mine. I'm so nervous to the point I didn't get to answer her first question. she repeated it and I had no choice but to look at her and answer when I heard how her voice changed as she asked me.

"Why are you avoiding me?" The girl infront of me asked, her eyes didn't leave mine as she waited for my answer.

"it's because- it's just- i- I just don't feel like talking to anyone." I stutter as I nod repeatedly after finding the right words to my excuse.

I heard her sigh defeatedly as she grabbed her drink and took a sip on it, leaving her eyes on me in the process. she didn't speak for I don't know how long. everything feels so slow that each seconds feels like hours.

I unconsciously bowed my head as I was playing with my fingertips underneath the table. praying that this will end soon.

"Celine" She called that made me more nervous when our eyes met as I lifted up my head to look at her.

"M-mhm?" I asked hesitantly, kanina pa ba niya 'ko tinatawag?

"Yes, kanina pa kita tinatawag and I see that you're busy with what you're doing" turan nito na nakapagpalaki ng mata ko. I said that out loud??

"Ah- kasi ano e-" magdadahilan sana ako uli nang agad naman itong nagsalita at pinutol ang sasabihin ko.

"Did I do something wrong?" She looked at me sadly, as she lowered her eyes like afraid to look at me in eye.

I noticed how her gripped tightened at the spoon she was holding. I saw a cake near her.

I didn't see that when she handed me my drink.

just for how long I zoned out?

"No, you didn't do anything wrong Isabel" I assured her as I reached out to her and held her hand.

I feel so guilty seeing her this way. she didn't do anything wrong. she even helped me that night where I feel so lost. She's the only person who was there for me. even if we just met, I'm thankful to her.

"Then why are avoiding me? you're avoiding me for two weeks now, do you know that I was so worried? worried that you did that." humigpit ang hawak nito sa kamay ko na kaninang nakahawak sakanya.

"I'm so worried Celine, you should've just told me that you're not in a mood to talk to anyone not just disappeare and ignore me" dagdag nito na mas nakadagdag sa konsensyang nararamdaman ko.

she didn't nothing but to care for me. and what I just did is so fucked up, but I have no choice. ayoko siyang madamay sa problema na meron ako.

we just met, and I don't want to ruin her life just by helping me. she already helped me a lot and that's enough, I'm so thankful for that.

"I- I won't do that" I said as I don't know if I'm saying that to her or to myself. am I assuring her or am I making my self believe that I really won't do that?

"You thought of doing that, how am I gonna make sure that you won't?" her voice cracked as she looked at me. her eyes are teary, it's like any minute now she's gonna burst into tears.

"H-hey, don't cry" nag-aalala kong turan at tumayo para pumunta sakanya at yakapin siya.

and I did, I held her. she's hugging me tummy tightly afraid to let me go.

A lot of questions are going through my mind right now, but I just ignored it and focus on the girl that's weeping lightly in my arms.

"Hey, it's okay. please don't cry, I'm still here look, I'm not going anywhere dummy, maybe in hell.. I won't do that, I'll try not to." I assured her, lightly joking with her, chuckling as she didn't like my joke. I felt her tightening her arms around my waist as those last words came out of my mouth.

I'll try not to do it, again.

"No, you won't try, you will not do it." she said seriously, looking at me straight in my eyes. telling me that I shouldn't dare do it.

"Mhm" I just agreed even though I'm not sure if I can do what she wants me not to do.

but I will try, I promise you that I will try.

niyakap ako nito uli, at nagtago sa tyan ko.

"I can't lose someone again" she utter, but I heard it clearly.

kumalas ako sa pagkakayakap niya, at tignan siya sa mata. her eyes held so much emotions. It look despairing. it's like she's gone through a serious shit, and she can't afford to happen again.

"What do you mean?" I confusedly asked her, as I returned to my seat and turned all my attention to her.

hindi siya agad nagsalita at ibinaling ang atensyon sa mga taong naglalakad ngayon sa labas ng coffee shop, hinintay ko lang siya hanggang sa makuha niya na ang lakas para magkwento.

she needs to release that.

"You remind me of her" panimula nito at nakakuha ng atensyon ko.

what does she mean by that?

I just stared at her, telling her to continue. as I look at her questionly at the process.

"You look so much alike to her" tumingin na siya sa'kin at tignan ako ng deretsyo sa mata.

"Who's her?" I curiously asked the girl in front of me.

"Someone who's so special to me, but I lost her years ago. same way to what you want to do 2 weeks ago." She smiled sadly at me, still looking at me with sadness.

"That's why you have to promise me you won't do it Celine, you bring me a lot of comfort, and I feel like I'm close to her when I'm with you, I feel that I didn't just lose her."

"And I haven't felt that comfort for years now."