Burning for her

Chapter 28

Abigail

The world felt quieter, which was a strange thing to feel after everything that happened. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw her in front of me. I saw her eyes looking at me and I saw myself ignoring all the signs that told me to run. I turned in my bed, the sheets wrapping around my body as I stared at the ceiling. The fact that I was fighting with myself more than I was fighting with Clara made me go crazy. She had killed someone. A human being. And still...some traitorous part of me wanted to pull her close, to hug her, to brush the hair from her face, feel her heartbeat against mine. I wanted everything to go back as they were. I wanted to forget it all. But I couldn't. I knew I couldn't.

There was guilt deep in my soul, the part of it that knew it was wrong to mourn the loss of her, was filled with it. But God I couldn't help it. I tried so hard to put my love aside and focus on the bad things. But it was hard. So hard, when I saw how my untrue words hurt her. I was on the edge of giving in to her again, to forgiving everything that happened and brushing the tears away from her cheeks.

I buried my face in my pillows. How could the love I felt for her still pull at me so strongly when it was obviously so wrong? Beside the violent things, she watched me, followed me. And, in a way, I almost liked the attention. I liked when I caught her watching me while we were together, and the sick part of me liked that she watched me even when I did not know about it. That was why my heart burned the most. Feeling like this, when knowing how wrong it was. Being torn between all these emotions was killing me. I had to remind myself from time to time that Clara was not the person I thought she was. She was a stranger, a dangerous one. Someone I couldn't love anymore. But then still... Why did that small, stubborn ache remain in my chest as a constant reminder that I was in fact not feeling like Clara was a stranger?

Every morning I wake up, hoping that it would hurt a little less, that the lack of her absence would disappear from my soul. But it didn't. It was there. Loud and painful. Because despite all the things that happened, I woke up every day with the hope that her arms were wrapped around me, holding me.

A part of me wanted to pray the pain and guilt away, but I wasn't even sure God would listen to me anymore. I didn't even know what to say to him anymore. There were so many things I had to feel ashamed about. Being a lesbian, dating a murderer. Loving a murderer. But people say God loves everyone equally. If he does I hope he saw the struggle in my soul and forgave me for my sins.

Hoping for his forgiveness was all I could do, because forgetting her clearly wasn't something I was able to do. Clara came into my life and filled every hole, solved all the problems, made the world look the happiest place in such a short time that I slid over all the warning signs. Right at the moment, it felt like a lie though. Everything she did, everything she said was a calculated move to get me. Every touch and promise got a new meaning with the secrets that got revealed.

I would kill for you. I want to keep you for myself.

At that heated moment her words hit me way differently than now, with all the things on the table. Her confession took a dark turn. I thought she was exaggerating. That it was something people in love say. I definitely felt like I wanted to keep her to myself, to never let her go. But she forced me.

The look in her eyes always warmed my heart, made me feel like I was the center of the universe. Now I know that I was only a subject of someone's obsession. Still... the longing for the old feeling inside me didn't vanish. Sometimes I felt like my heart forgot the truth and I ended up in her apartment, dragging a drunk Clara home, like she was my responsibility.

God, the look in her eyes was killing me as she looked at me with a sparkling gaze. I fought so hard against my deepest desire to kiss her and I failed miserably. I don't know if it was my love for her resurfacing or a desperate attempt to get back what I had a few weeks ago when I lived in complete ignorance.