Myocardium

Part 46

On our way to the playground, there is a strange silence coming from both Rafael and me. This time, yes, it is indeed awkward and music would totally be needed to overtone the embarrassment that creeps up inside of me. 

Rafael looks so lost in thought throughout it all, it even makes me wish I hadn't even said anything at all. I shouldn't have. I really, really shouldn't have. There is this void forming in the pit of my stomach that one feels when they know that they surely fucked up this time. And I most likely did. The streets have an eerie vibe to them today, I'm not sure why my perception of surroundings changed so suddenly. Everything was just fine the night before. Well, sort of. 

Damn you, Rafael.

The more I truly think about it, the more I realize how much trouble Rafael has caused by the mere presence in my life. Especially the chaos in my head, it all would not have happened, hadn't he cared. But he did. And despite everything, god, I am so damn glad he did. 

Yes, I could judge him for the way we met and for using my services just like every other customer of mine, or how he tried to talk me into quitting the job I depend on. But I can't. Because without Rafael, I would definitely not have thought twice about what wreckage I put my mind and body through night by night, would surely still be hooked on the drugs and would most likely already be dead. 

It's insane to me that this isn't even exaggerated. It's the truth. How many times has he come in as my last resort when I was at my absolute limits? How often has he shown me his selflessness simply in order to make my life slightly less miserable? For that and everything else he has done for me, I can't judge him.

"Dai-sy and Sa-shi and E-li and Ra-fi," my little sister begins chanting to the rhythm of her little bunny-hops along the side walk, swaying her arms back and forth to gain momentum. There aren't many cars passing by, but her singing still rips me out of my thought process to remind me that she's still a kid and I should very much pay attention to where she is walking.

"Slow down, kiddo. I don't want you to fall over, alright?" I give my sister a kind reminder to be careful, she stops in her tracks to turn around and come sprinting towards me at full speed instead. My eyes widen, I barely manage to comprehend her intentions before she is already running against me and slinging her arms around my waist. 

She seems to be extra energetic today. I don't mind at all though, I will be happy for every single day that she can be a child as carefree and joyful as she is.

"I'm sowy, Eliii," she mumbles into my coat, her slightly mocking tone and the long-dragged words brings a grin of amusement to my face. I gently pat her head before she is already off to lead our way towards the park she has learned to know very well. What has gotten into that kid today? I shake my head and sigh contently. 

Even before turning my head to the left in order to look at Rafael, I can see in my peripheral vision that he is already looking at me. My stomach still burns up when I do, indeed, find him staring holes into me as our eyes meet. It seems as though he forces himself to smile. I don't blame him whatsoever, no person who feels even the slightest bit of empathy with their peers would be okay after all the things I have just thrown at his face so boldly.

Still, the sadness on his face hits me right where my heart is. More or less unnoticeable by the kids, I take a step closer to him and sneakily slip my hand into the pocket of his jacket, where he is keeping his while walking. The pouch, apart from his hand, is empty. From his wrist, I slide my fingertips down his palm and interlock them with his. 

Rafael's eyes follow the motion of my hand before he looks back up at me and nod with a soft expression. It's not quite a smile, and I don't feel like it needs to be. The slight pressure I feel on my hand as well as the gentle stroke of his thumb are enough reassurance that we will both be okay eventually.