THE EIGHTH | BTS 8th member

The Trauma

❒ warnings: descriptions of trauma; panic attacks; anxiety; effects of post-traumatic stress; fear; psychological distress; emotional vulnerability.

Imagine waking up with your heart pounding so loudly it echoes in your ears, in a dense, oppressive silence. As soon as you open your eyes, the room is cloaked in shadow, and what should be your bedroom-a safe place-suddenly transforms into an alien space, filled with invisible threats.

For Chaeri, this is the beginning of a crisis that traps her, a sensation that unfolds in mere moments as she wakes, when her mind is not yet fully conscious and fear takes shape as a tangible danger. These episodes stem from a profound trauma, an event that altered the way Chaeri perceives the world. To her, people, spaces, even the night itself, have lost their neutrality.

It's as if a part of her is always on high alert, constantly ready to defend against an invisible but persistent threat. Her mind and body treat every noise, every shadow, as though it were a lurking trap. During these nightmares-or more accurately, these moments of post-waking paranoia-Chaeri is convinced that someone could genuinely harm her.

Rationally, she knows she's alone and safe, but it's as if her body refuses to accept it. Her mind knows there's no one in the room, but her body reacts as if there is, as if every shadow is a threat.

This is a typical effect of trauma, and for those who experience it, it's exhausting: it breaks your sense of control and makes you feel as though you're always at the mercy of a danger you can't see. When she experiences these moments, her breathing becomes shallow and labored.

You might picture her curled up, wide-eyed, as if desperately trying to see something in the darkness. She tries to tell herself that no one is there, repeating it like a mantra: "It's just in my head." But that awareness isn't enough. It's as if her mind can't command her body.

Even though she knows there's no real danger, her body continues to respond as if there is. It's a paradox, a mental trap that's nearly impossible to escape from easily. There's a term for this kind of fear that manifests even when we're awake: body memory. Trauma is like a poison that doesn't dissolve; it continues to course through her body in the form of instincts, of reactions.

Even after opening her eyes, after realizing it's all an illusion, Chaeri remains trapped in that feeling of danger, as if every fiber of her being refuses to forget. Even when her mind is clear, her body cannot let go of the terror that reminds her of the past experience.

It is difficult to explain what it is like to wake up in an empty room and, at the same instant, feel as if there is someone next to your bed, ready to do harm. For those who have not experienced it, it is almost impossible to comprehend the feeling of being hostage to your body, of feeling that your own mind is against you, trapped in a series of fears that you cannot rationalize.

If Chaeri could speak openly about her problem, she would admit that she hadn't been the same for years. She would admit that she had been living with the sensation of wearing glasses with the wrong lenses, distorting everything around her. She would admit that the transition from girl to teenager scared her more than it does most girls, because she feared that the impact of her past experience would shape her into a person she didn't want to become.

The early days with the rest of the members were scary and problematic for Chaeri, when she realized that from then on she would share everything with those seven boys for a long time. There were different reasons for this, but the main ones were that she would have to live with strangers, all men, and that she wouldn't be able to hide her vulnerability for long, given the dormitory conditions that included a shared bedroom, one bathroom, and a kitchen.