Anne with an e- a new version of the story

Chapter 87 - After the storm

ANNE

Anne checked the suitcase one last time where she had packed the belongings she would take with her to Paris. It had been a week since she was discharged and returned home, and during that time she tried to lead her life as normally as possible, but her heart was not there. He had gotten lost in one of the rooms of that hospital where the love of his life remained in full recovery while his mind continued to refuse to remember her.

Maybe this fact wasn't so bad now, she thought. After she discovered that there was a possibility of not having more children, something changed within her, as if her hopes of regaining the happy life she had before had died definitively.

I couldn't face Gilbert and tell him that, it was too terrible. It was as if she were tearing off her own skin with her fingers, bleeding until not a single drop remained in her veins. She couldn't bear the look of disappointment on Gilbert's face; she would die if he looked at her with disdain and hated her for causing him so much pain. Therefore, she preferred that he remained in his blessed oblivion, because in Anne's eyes she did not deserve to be remembered, and thus Gilbert could restart his life by finding someone else to love.

She lost her breath, and Anne dropped the suitcase on the half-open bed and sat in her old rocking chair. She didn't want to cry again. It had been two days since she had allowed herself to shed a single tear, because if she started, she would never stop.

Thinking of Gilbert with another woman was like tearing pieces of her heart out without anesthesia, leaving her to agonize until she could feel nothing anymore, with a dry soul and a chest torn and raw. She wanted to scream, as she had done so many times on those days during sleep, lost in a nightmare that dragged her deeper and deeper. Marilla wanted to call a doctor, but she wouldn't allow it; she needed to go through this to perhaps be forgiven for her crime.

She had let her child die, that phrase echoed in her mind mercilessly while she slept, for at that moment she had no control over her thoughts. Awake, she diverted them away, focusing on the daily tasks of Green Gables, but even so, sometimes she could sense them lurking around her, as if they were waiting for an opportunity to accuse her in a moment of distraction, so she clenched her teeth tightly and endured until the end of the day, when she laid her head on the pillow, and the ghosts came to haunt her.

She couldn't forgive herself, and Gilbert wouldn't forgive her either, so Anne needed to go far away, where no one knew her, where no one looked at her with pity, where her heart, or at least what was left of it, wouldn't end up being completely destroyed by anger, pain, and sorrow. She could handle her own personal torment, but she would never be able to add Gilbert's burden to it. She had gotten used to living under the protection of his love, and she could never live on the outskirts of that feeling, seeing the beloved brown eyes darkened with hatred for her.

Anne had talked about all this with Diana, and her friend had said that she was out of her mind, and when Anne confessed to her that she wanted to go to Paris, Diana had said that she had completely lost her mind.

- Anne, you can't go to Paris right now. You are hurt, fragile, and you haven't fully recovered yet. Not to mention that Gilbert really needs you, - Anne looked at her with her immense blue eyes full of hurt and replied:

- And me, Diana? Have you ever stopped to think about how much I need Gilbert? How much his absence hurts me? How much do I need his embrace and his lips telling me he loves me despite everything? There isn't a single day that I don't beg for mercy and that someone up there has pity on me, and gives me back the life I lost. But, I know that nothing will ever be the same again, and that inside me, there is nothing left but a well of bitterness. For this reason, I need to leave, before I lose the little courage I have left and bury myself alive in my own solitude. – Diana felt the impact of Anne's words hit her. How was it possible for someone to carry an entire world of suffering in their soul and still manage to get up every day? She wanted to cry for her friend, but she held back. She needed to give strength to Anne and not show her pity. Anne wouldn't accept that, and she would be terribly offended, and Diana knew her too well to know that. So, she said with a firm voice:

- You need to react. Getting hurt like this won't solve anything. You didn't even want to know the results of the fertility tests you took.

- I know. I'm a coward. - Anne said, lowering her head and looking at the ground.