Anne with an e- a new version of the story

Chapter 90 - For better or worse

ANNE

Waking up was no longer as much of a problem for Anne as it had been weeks ago. Back then, as soon as dawn broke and the sun's rays entered her room, she would sink her head into her pillow and pretend to still be asleep, because as soon as she put her feet up, her drama would start all over again and fighting to keep her mind sane until the end of the day was extremely exhausting, so dealing with the darkness was much easier than having to face the light of day. However, after talking to Gilbert and opening her heart, the nightmares had subsided, and getting up every day was no longer an agony.

She threw off the covers and went to the window to be greeted by the sweet scent of her cherry tree, which looked so beautiful that morning, even though it was autumn, its leaves were almost the color of Anne's hair. The little redhead closed her eyes and sucked in the fresh air that came to her on the breeze, feeling as if her lungs had been purified and her soul was finally as free as a bird ready to take flight.

Anne could say that she was almost happy again, and in that almost there was still a shadow that didn't allow her smile to be truly sincere. She had learned to disguise it well, and she did it with such mastery that she could even convince herself sometimes. She didn't want anyone to realize that a part of herself was still lost, so she hid her endless sadness with her best smile, especially if Gilbert was watching. She didn't want him to know that there was a certain dark side inside her that prevented her heart from beating again with the same vigor and vitality as before.

Thinking about Gilbert gave her encouragement now, but it also made her uneasy for various reasons. They were learning to deal with their grief without letting it influence their relationship, which was almost as good as it had been before, and which just needed to adjust in order to return to what it had been in the past.

They had an incredible time together, and Gilbert seemed to care for her more and more. Anne had noticed some subtle changes, such as the way he sometimes looked at her, as if watching her closely, perhaps fearing that she would sink back into her non-conformity with everything that had hit them in those months, throwing Anne into a pit so deep that he couldn't reach her, and the way Gilbert hugged her also seemed to have a different meaning. In the past, when Gilbert encircled her waist with his arms, it was because he felt unable to keep his hands off her, but now, in addition to the explicit affection that Gilbert's embrace suggested, Anne could also feel the security that he was trying hard to convey to her, trying to compensate for the loneliness that had been Anne's companion for two consecutive months. Now she could go to sleep and wake up knowing that those disturbing days were over for good.

The only thing that hadn't gone back to the way it used to be between them were their moments of intimacy. Anne didn't know exactly why she was reluctant to give in to Gilbert's comforting love. It wasn't a lack of desire or passion. Anne could feel in her veins all the warmth that Gilbert's touch caused on her skin, she could never resist the powerful force of her feelings for him, but whenever her fiancé tried to get closer, intensifying his caresses, Anne wouldn't allow him to continue, because she felt that she would easily succumb to the attraction between them, but her heart would be mutilated in the process, because inside her there was still the fear of her infertility, and that made her think that Gilbert deserved a full woman and not half as much as she had been feeling.

If she confessed this to him, Gilbert would say it was nonsense, and that she was once again putting a wall between them, because she would rather continue to suffer than let her heart go its separate ways. It was as if she was punishing herself for something she didn't think she deserved, and not allowing herself to live the moments of love with Gilbert intensely was condemning herself to excessive abstinence.

Anne left the window and got dressed. The day was too beautiful for her to stay locked in her room trying to understand her confused feelings. She put on a turquoise dress and sneakers, then tidied her hair neatly. Anne was taking an interest in her appearance again, although it wasn't what mattered most, but at least it gave her the feeling that she was moving on after the storm she had faced.