Ishq-e-Watan

Chapter 104- Of Regrets And Weaknesses

CHAPTER 104

OF REGRETS AND WEAKNESSES

Monami twirled the knife in her hand, idly staring at it. She had picked the habit up from Faizi, loving how nimbly his fingers played with the knives. It was a good distraction.

"Do you talk to Karan about your nightmares?" Vamika asked.

Monami shook her head, not lifting her eyes from the knife. She had only gotten more comfortable with Vamika over the months, letting herself go and the therapist had accepted everything she had ever told her in stride, working professionally but with the utmost kindness and patience.

"Why not? Kyun nahi bataana chahti tum?"

She shrugged, keeping the knife down and lying down on the couch. "I don't know", she said. "Sometimes, I can't, like... I don't have the words. I don't know how to describe it. W-Woh f-fear, woh p-panic, kya actually b-bother kar raha hai. Sometimes, I don't want to. Mujhe... Mujhe woh s-scenes describe nahi karne. Sometimes... I think I can if I really try, maybe even want to try. But..."

"But?"

She bit her lip. "I don't know. Just something... h-holding me back", she said.

"Is it a matter of trust?"

She paused, turning her head to look at her. "I... I don't think ki agar... m-main kabhi K-Karan ko bataungi, he would use it against me, but... I don't... I don't tr-trust him to look at me the same."

"Why not?"

She pursed her lips. Why not? He had never given her a reason to doubt his love, never thought her less, never thought her weaker, only ever telling her that she was so strong. He had never told her how much Param had told him but it was enough that he always understood where she was coming from, always understood the context when she did mention something so it had to be enough. "Kyunki mujhe sab pata hai aur... main apne aap ko waise nahi dekhti."

"Sid ko bhi toh sab pata hai, but he-"

"No", she said. Vamika blinked in surprise. She smiled wryly. Monami didn't think she could surprise Vamika anymore. "He doesn't. Maine... Maine kabhi nahi baat kari Sid se apne nightmares ke baare mein. Not about what happened in that cell. And naa kabhi karungi. Sid... he can't take it. He can't digest what really happened."

"Do you think Karan can?"

She nodded. She tilted her head, staring at her. "Sid ko kabhi bhi violence nahi pasand tha. Never. Use bahut dikkat hoti hai usse. And... abhi bhi jis direction mein woh jaa raha hai, the whole IT thing, he's b-building himself a career where he w-wouldn't have to shoot a gun or torture anyone unless absolutely necessary. M-Mission par bhi jaayenge... he would like to be in the van coordinating everything. But... Karan? Woh j-jaante hain t-torture kya hota hai, v-violence kya hota hai, aise logon se mile hain jinke saath yeh sab hua hai. Agar mission par jaayenge, toh woh uss mission ko lead kar rahe honge. But... I don't know. I mean... I know he... he t-tortured Nawaz- maybe not... not himself, but... he knew. He... He knows how to t-torture. He is not a st-stranger to violence."

"Does that bother you?"

"Not really", she said. "I don't want to see it... but mujhe... mujhe hamesha se pata tha. We are at... at war with the terrorists. Jab main chhoti thi, Vamika... I used to wonder... what's the difference between the soldiers and them? Apart from their reasons? Kya deeds and actions mein sab same hote hain? Torturing, killing, threatening."

"And now?"

She looked up, staring at her for a long minute. "Karan, Faizi Sir, Sanju ma'am... woh kabhi... kabhi kisi ki family ko kidnap nahi karenge. Kabhi ek... ek 16 saal ki b-bacchi ko... amusement ke liye torture nahi karenge. Uski... Uski v-videos banaakar nahi bhejenge. Terrorists apnon ko bhi basic human decency nahi dete- I have seen them kill each other- and... and soldiers... the true ones, the ones who fight for protecting... woh dushmanon ko bhi dete hain."