Hunter's Chance

s e v e n t e e n

"You break and mend my heart all at once, Raegan Hunter."

I was seventeen then. Had it been any different, another time, another place maybe, then I could have found the right words to say. Instead, I stood there, completely still, watching his face falter at my silence. I knew then, that I was unfixable.

It was the closest that I had ever been to teetering off. I exploited his feelings. I needed to hear the words then, I saw an opportunity and I took it, knowing all too well that I wouldn't be able to reciprocate. It was cruel but somehow it felt necessary. I needed to know that I wasn't completely and utterly broken. He, with three words, proved just that. That I, Raegan Hunter was in fact, broken.

"I love you."

I felt nothing. Nada. I tried though, boy did I try. I found myself searching deep down into my soul for something, anything, only to come up short. Wes knew it too. He knew what a mess of a person I was and instead of reminding me of it, he took me into his arms. He was squeezing tight as if reminding himself that it could be the last time. He kissed me on the forehead and then just like that, he left me there, sitting on my front porch, the only remainder of what we had lingered in the smell of his jacket placed over my shoulders.

Cassidy was right that night and dammit do I hate when she is right. She knew that we had a shot, Wes and I. She knew that at that time in my life, he was the perfect distraction. And at first, he was. Like a ferris wheel, we rode to the top so effortlessly. He held my hand in his and I felt a sense of calmness. The top was the peak of everything. At first it was exciting and worth the thrill. We were abrupt in the fall though. Coming down so quickly without so much as a warning.

I didn't fear it then. I knew. I mean, I always knew that there was much to be said about how quickly we worked. We were so quick to jump in, it only made sense to just as quickly, jump out. Things were only getting worse at home and I knew that it was only a matter of time.

Oddly enough though, he looks the exact same. Only now slightly older and somehow even more attractive. He's smiling at me and I can't help but wonder what he sees when he looks at me. Is it regret? Does he hold resentment towards me? He has to hold, even if it's in the smallest amount, some sort of hatred and I don't blame him for it, I almost admire him.

-

"I'm going to take this," I told him, tossing back the liquid in the shot glass "And then we're playing a game of pool." I finish by turning and pointing towards the table.

So it wouldn't take long for Wesley and I to end up at the bar. So easily, like we had never skipped a beat, I was offering up the smallest amount of intell regarding James and he too, admitted to having his own line backed up with issues.

I hated to admit it and Wes really didn't deserve it, but there was a sliver of happiness that rested behind my drunken stupor. I was grossly appreciative of the fact that I wasn't the only one suffering. That he, just like me, had problems. Something to get a buzz over, though at this rate, it's so much more than a buzz.

It was natural for us to fall back into old habits. He would lean in and whisper into my ear how much he missed me and I would hang all over him, my arms draped over his shoulders while his hands would find my waist. Sure, I could have stopped it but the liquid courage I've built over the last thirty minutes is showing no signs of quitting.

"Bathroom," I yell to him over the speakers after sinking my last shot in the left corner.

Something changed between the pool table and the bathroom. I feel nauseated and slightly disappointed in myself. Not that I've been drinking, or that I'm here with Wesley, I don't mind any of that. It's all because I let him get to me. Because with a minor sip of some booze, I'm feeling it all over again. Everything that I've come here to avoid.