Hunter's Chance

e p i l o g u e

I could so easily get lost in the illusion that every day was going to be as good as today, but I knew better. The warm breeze that tossed my hair around felt like the recognition that things were finally settling into place. It's the anniversary of my fathers death and although that part is hard to swallow, I could find solace in the fact that everything else in my life was finding their piece on the puzzle board and nuzzling into their place of belonging.

James was driving and playing this weeks top forty. He knew, even when I denied it, how much I truly loved it. My hand was doing wave motions out the side of the passenger window and mom, Conner and Cass were in the backseat. It felt like we got there in no time as we pull down a familiar path, passing two brick walls and a certain calmness overwhelms my senses.

I take a deep breath as the wind passes through our car, in one window and out the other. It was a subtle reminder that nothing would be constant. Not in this life. I knew well enough that I could never get used to the way our life was, it would consistently change and I had to be prepared for that.

We all get out of the car and make our way towards the familiar stone. I turn to James and silently thank him for bringing a new meaning to my world. Where our lines meet in the middle, he doesn't mind crossing over to where he knows I need him most. He no longer hesitates to pull out and restore the parts of me that I buried so deep that even I forgot they exist. He found me. Hidden deep beneath the barriers of what I had become when I lost my father.

Mom no longer turns to liquid in order to feel something anymore. She's been an avid ally with James as they both yearn to see the better parts of me. She smiles more than she doesn't and she's given Conner a strong and independent embodiment to look to. I missed her and I love her.

We all played a major part in each others downfall. We could admit that now. So easily, we wanted to place blame elsewhere. I recognized my spiral just as it began to happen to Conner. It wasn't until James came into our lives and reminded us what it's like to fight to live that we finally figured it out.

I happen to think that without even knowing it, dad sent him to us. Dad paved the way for him to come and rescue us when we needed it most. And on a day particularly like today, as we all surround his stone with tear filled eyes, I remember what it was like when he was with us. Even until his final day, he was the glue that simultaneously kept us together.

I wouldn't believe it if I heard it a thousand times. The connection with my father and James and what brought him to me. It's a wonder, I look around me and think to myself. I was the luckiest person in the world even after knowing that hearts are broken every day because James, well he is the only thing I've ever done right. I couldn't deny the chemistry of our story. I could only live it.

He could so easily get sick again and mom could falter and take another drink. Those things could happen. but for me? I no longer have a ticking time bomb planted in my head telling me that time is going to run out and that I'll be left with nothing. Sure, life is short but I felt, especially now, that the universe was finally on my side.

I kneel down then and pull dads portable CD player out of my bag. And as I set it on his stone, I look up to the people who bring my world together as a whole. Things made sense and for the first time in years, I knew what it meant to give up the control that was holding me down for so long. A gust of wind whirls around us and I swear I can feel dad with us. I look to James and as he mouths the words "I love you." I know it's time. I then look back to my fathers stone, I run my hands over the rigged top and finally,

I reach down and press play.

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IM CRYING!

That's it. I've had this story planted in me for years and it feels so good to finally finish it. You have no idea! I hope you guys have enjoyed it. I have some other ideas, so this isn't the last of me ;) I love you all so, so much! Thank you for your continued support. #JAEGAN forever and ever and ever.

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