Hunter's Chance

t w e n t y - n i n e

"I'm sorry it took me so long." I used my fingers to trace over the lettering of his name and although it's bumpy to the touch it brings a serenity to me, peacefully soothing the parts of me that are still aching and yearning for James. "I brought you something." I told him as I wiped my eyes.

Reaching into my bag I pull out an old portable CD player. "I found this in your truck when mom decided to sell it. Oh I hated her so much for that." I whispered as I untangled the headphone cords. "Anyways," I sniffled. "I don't really know what it's like up there but I figured that we could revisit old times."

I brushed my nose on the back of my jacket as I pressed play, turning the volume up to it's loudest setting. I rest the bulky headphones over my ears as I lean against the headstone and almost immediately the music begins to interrupt the quiet night.

"Really dad?" I start to laugh as the recognition of the song kicks in. "Welcome to the jungle?"

Once the howl starts and the beat kicks in, I start tapping my hands on the tops of my knees as I correspond the drumming with the music. My voice echoes off the words as I sing along, still remembering every word and I imagine him next to me, air guitar in full force as he bangs his head and stomps his feet. I can't help but to tag along. My feet kicking up tiny spits of the water beneath me as I rock my head back and forth.

I can't help my smile and just like old times, we stay like that for a while.

-

"It's simple really. You're scared."

"I'm not scared dad, I'm cautious."

"Same thing."

It was surreal and I had every intention to question why my dad was here and why I could feel it when he would shuffle next to me, his arm just grazing mine. Or how he smells just like I remember he did when the wind picks up cascading his presence all around me. But I decide against it. I need him. Now more than ever.

"Okay, fine." I tell him as I sit up. "Is it supposed to be this scary?"

"The scariest and the hardest thing you'll ever do."

I bring my knees to my chest and hug myself. "I don't know dad. It's like I'm wired to perpetually screw things up." I said squeezing myself just a little tighter. "When you left... I guess a piece of me did too and I'm often left with unrealistic ideas of what this could all mean." I told him waving my arms around us. "I'll get it eventually. But for now... I'll let those ideas run wild. I'm not sure what else to do."

Silence.

"And the dream... You were there." I said turning to face him. "I don't get it. What were you doing there?"

Silence.

"It's not safe to feel like this."

"What's safety anyways?" He asked. "Tell me, what better way to grip tight onto your own fear than to plummet into a world of the unknown?"

I thought about this. "It's just that... It's like I'm being haunted the second I hover over any possibility of being happy."

"You're not being haunted Raegan." He sounds so sure of this.

"Then what is it?"

"It'll all make sense someday but for now it's going to hurt."

"Why does it have to hurt?"

Silence.

"You know," I said as I pushed my hand through my hair. "I was falling into his steps, right, left, right... And then just like that it was as if we were walking in completely different directions."