Hunter's Chance

t h i r t y - f o u r

Raegan,

I don't know where to begin.

I've been compelled by this raw emotion, one that I can't quite decipher, to write you this letter and tell you that it's impossible to know what's going to happen. Life has a wicked way of toying with us and we're at the mercy of it's undoing.

Things are going to change and there is no match to the words that I want to say but I'm going to try.

I wish so badly that I could help you understand but I fear I'm at a loss with that connection to the truth as well. All I know is that they are going to need you, your mother and Conner, and even if there is this ache, one no more unusual than the pain I already have succumbed to with this diagnosis, that is telling me things are going to change around here, I know with time, that you'll be the one to bring it back to center.

Even if I could do it all over again, I wouldn't change a thing about this and maybe that's selfish of me because there is nothing I wouldn't give for more time with you and your brother but scars are what define us Raegan and sometimes we have to accept that those scars are permanent. This is permanent. I'm sick. But I know you, and you can't let this sadness be permanent. You're going to find something that will create new realms of life and happiness that you never thought possible.

Try.

Try harder to do everything that you can to find those small hideaways that will encourage you to create and grow and to begin new stories. Because this is your life and I may not physically be there to watch you hit the peak of everything that you are and I can't even begin to explain or put into words how much that stings. But I'll be there. I'll always be there.

I hope that when the time comes and you need someone to talk to, that you'll find a place where you feel like you can talk to me because I have been bound to your happiness since the day that you were born with your crooked grin and long eyelashes and I don't think distance can change that. I'll be there to seek joy with you and do my best to cast away the sadness.

I think it's your mother who instilled that between us.

She is the most light-hearted woman that I know. She's kind and warm and constantly proving to me that no matter what, she can handle it. But that day, that day when the doctor came in and told us the news, I felt her knees collapse next to me. She held on tight to my jacket as if it were the one thing that she could rely on in the room and I knew in that moment that she was breaking.

She's strong as hell Raegan, that's where you get it from.

Find perseverance to confide in others and when you feel like life is passing you by, slow down and be authentic in everything that you do. Be brave my darling girl. Don't bother wasting time on regret and most of all entertain the idea of being truly happy because you deserve it.

I can't promise that you won't mess up because you will time and time again. Things will get messy in life, scattered and you'll misplace your happiness and quickly realize that you never knew you could hurt so bad, but hold onto the way that it makes you feel. In times of trouble or sorrow, use that. Dig deep and hold onto that emotion because sorry's and mistakes? They can be recycled but the way that you feel when you're caught up in the slumbers of sadness, that is what will determine how you find your happiness.

Remember this on those nights with lost sleep and troubled thoughts. Put a record on and bury yourself deep into that world because nothing will understand you more and dare to swim against the sharks out there because you've never known grey Rae, your mind is completely made up of color. So while the world around you dulls in comparison, find the light and bring it back.