She Doesn't Care . (Being Edited)

Pathetic . ; Chapter Eight .

Maybe my favorite chapter so far , I think it shows you a lot about McKenzie and her thoughts .

Or maybe that’s just ‘cause I wrote it . (;

The next few ones are probably going to be a bit more , emotional ?

As emotional as I can get with McKenzie in mind , I suppose .

　

　

I do admit , that sometimes I needed my friends , which was always really awkward for me .

I hated when I needed advice on something , which I would never ask for , but my friends were always more than happy to give .

Not that I ever used it . But sometimes , I just needed another persons thought and point of view on my situation .

I hated needing too just tell someone something that had been dying to be told .

I hated the feel like I needed someone .

I loathed it .

Freshman year , I hardly needed anyone besides myself .

And my always there , always trustworthy , drugs and alcohol .

But I needed help , at a few points . And it was bad .

　

It was around the start of the third semester that I felt totally useless .

I couldn’t help myself that one time .

God , it hurt .

Knowing I was so stupid , that I couldn’t even help myself .

It’s one of the worst feelings in the world .

For me anyway .

I needed help with a guy .

Yes , a guy .

And this is where you think , ‘ I thought you gave up on guys ? ‘

I thought I did too .

But this one guy , Danny , gosh . He was so gorgeous .

And as soon as I started actually talking to him , him and his girlfriend broke up .

It could have been fate .

I thought I’d finally get to play with him for awhile .

And that I did .

Except I ended up having feelings for him .

He had feelings for me too .

And although I promised myself I’d never date again , I could see myself with this guy .

There was only one problem .

He liked someone else , and he liked her more .

It hurt , it really did . But I thought it was for the best .

There was no way I could have real feelings for a guy , after all I had been though .

No way .

It was simply attraction , nothing else .

That’s what I kept telling myself anyway .

So I stayed with him . We acted like an actual couple , because the other girl lived in a different town .

We kissed in public , held hands during lunch .

Everyone thought we were together .

I actually felt happy , at the time .

I thought that maybe , he had forgotten about her . Realized he wanted me instead . Realized I was better . I knew how to make him happy , and he didn’t need to do anything in return .

I fell in so deep .

I would have literally done anything for this boy ,

And that was so sad .

So different .

I felt pathetic . This boy made me feel pathetic .



And yet I wanted him so bad .

I wanted to know what it would be like , if we were real .

If everything could just work out , just this once for me .

I couldn’t spend my day without thinking about him every few minutes .

He was always on my mind , and I hated it .

As much as I wanted him , I knew it wasn’t worth it .



I hated feeling like that for someone else . For feeling like I could die for someone .

All I had was myself , and that’s how it always was .

How it was always going to be .



I couldn’t depend on this guy , this guy that probably didn’t care about me nearly as much as I cared about him .

But , I had Danny by my side , and I didn’t care about anything else .

I didn’t care about what I thought , because I was always wrong anyway .

Everything was going to be okay . He would be different .

I knew he would .

I thought he would .

That was , until he dropped me like I was trash , and dated her .