She Doesn't Care . (Being Edited)

Numb and Dumb . ; Chapter Eleven .

I like this chapter .

LOL .

Okay , so a lot of the songs I want to put , or I do put with chapters is by Otep .

So , I guess she might be my inspiration , for this book anyway .

Well , no . She's my idol . I love Otep . God , she's so strong and independent .

The only fourty-one year old lesbian you'll find in the metal industry , I guarenteeeeee .

And she sings/screams about such real things . Drugs , Rape , Family issues . And she went through it all , she knows how it feels .

Otep Shamaya . <3 My legit God .

Medicate and sedate .

Pass the punishment .

I need another fix .

I can honestly say I don’t remember more than half that summer too well .

I don’t think I was sober for a whole day at anytime .

It was party after party .

Guy after guy .

I totally let lose .

I just didn’t care .

If everyone already thought I was a slut , why not just be one .

I gave up on Danny , he wasn’t worth my time anyway .

That’s not what I really thought , but that’s what my friends told me .

I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him .

What was wrong with me ?

I understood that I was really fucked up , but that was in the head . He didn’t see that . So what was I showing that was so , un-attractive ?

So un-wanted ?

　

I didn’t eat for days , or I ate the littlest amount possible .

I didn’t see anything wrong with me , so maybe I was too fat for him .

What a stupid thought that was .

At five feet , five inches and weighing a whopping amount of eighty to eighty-five pounds , I was anything but fat .

Maybe I was . . .

Fuck .

I didn’t know why I wasn’t good enough for him .

I just knew I didn’t want to care .

And that’s where the drugs came in .

I’m proud to say that at that time , I wasn’t doing coke , or heroine .

I was smarter than that .

Weed , alcohol , pills , shrooms , and a little acid was all I needed to live .

I’d stay burnt for days .

I’ve got to say , when I finally did come down from the high , the only thing I wanted to do was eat and sleep .

So I slept .

And when I woke up ,

I hit another bowl .

Took another pill .

Maybe a few swigs of the nearest bottle .

I partied .

Did some more drugs .

Fucked .

Than passed out .

Those two months were some of the sweetest of my life .

Nothing mattered to me , I could hardly feel my insides , never mind think about how fucked up my life was .

It was good .

I couldn’t feel , I didn’t care . It was life .

My life .

What I wanted to do for the rest of my life .



Too bad I was only fifteen , and I was partying with anyone from seventeen to twenty-five .

It got bad , but it felt even better .



Just take another pill .

Just take another hit .

Just take another shot .

Do some more ,

You’ll feel better .

That’s the only thing that went tough my head during that time .

And how I was going to pay for it all .

I could only get so much from my step-father without going home .

And I never wanted to go back home again .

I was never a prostitute . I didn’t do anything for money .

But , I’d only touch you if you had drugs .

　

Yes , it got that bad .