DESOLATION

23

Day 22 in Garristown

I woke up today with an aching head and a body that refused to move. I am feeling colder than usual. I look around. The sun is about to set. I slept the whole day. I don't remember exactly what time I slept last night. I should have gotten up and gone to the market today, but I did not wake up. Now I feel too tired even to move. Now, darkness is going to cover everything again. I don't have anything to keep me warm.

I got up, and it took almost all of my strength. When did even getting up become so difficult? Every breath feels heavier. Even blinking feels like too much effort. I have never felt this hollow, this unwilling to exist.

Gaining all the strength left in my body, I get up. A wave of dizziness passes over me, and I put my hand on the wall to keep myself standing. When I feel normal again, I go to wash my face and brush my teeth.

I come back inside the room and look around. My stomach is hurting now because of hunger. Hunger and a slight fever have started to give me a headache. I should make something for myself before it turns dark. My phone must be about to die, too.

I switch on the lights, but all I find is darkness. The power is still out. If I had known about this problem, then I would have surely made preparations for it.

I go into the kitchen and check all the cabinets. There are only a few vegetables here and a cup of instant noodles. Thank God, I bought those noodles. After boiling the water, I put it inside the cup and wait for the noodles to be ready.

I take the cup and a glass of water to the living room. Wrapping the blanket around me, I ate the noodles in silence and then sat with my back against the couch. There is complete silence around me. When did life become so silent? The memories of the time when my family was together started to roam inside my mind. Winter was always the happiest time for me.

We often used to sit in our warm living room and watch horror movies together. I remember me, Dad and Evelyn in the living room, and Mom bringing hot chocolate for us. We were a happy family.

Then Lorcan came in and destroyed my life. I would not lie. Without his help, I would have never been able to afford such an expensive treatment for Evelyn. She would have died in that cheap, dirty hospital, but what I got for all this. Just emptiness and unhappiness. Lorcan knew my weakness, and he used it perfectly.

What am I saying? He would have forced me one way or the other. It is his obsession with me that destroyed me. It killed me from the inside.

What am I doing here? Why do I not end my misery when I can? I am that prisoner who is sitting in prison with the key in my hand, and that key is calling Lorcan and telling him that I want him, I want to be back with him.

I was lost in my thoughts when I heard sounds. It alerted me and made me straighten up. I hear a faint sound of boots. Am I imagining, or is someone at my doorstep? Is it a thief or a serial killer? I don't even have anything to protect me.

Suddenly, a soft knock echoed inside the cottage. Is it...

"Inez, are you in there? It's me, Maeve." Maeve's voice comes from the other door.

Maeve? What is she doing here? I look towards the door. Maeve. I knew it was her. I recognized the faint rhythm of her knock, patient yet hesitant, like she wasn't sure if she should be here.

"Inez. I am worried about you." She knocks on the door. Where was she all these days? Why is she here now?

She called my name. Not loudly. Just enough to let me know she is there, standing in the cold with concern perhaps written all over her face.