DESOLATION

26

INEZ

The snow falls on my outstretched palm, and it feels cool. The sensation is chilling, but it makes me feel at ease.

Around me, the world is still; the only movement is the slow drift of snowflakes, spiraling through the air like they are in no rush to meet the ground. My fingers grow numb, but I keep my hand open, as if holding on to winter's quiet gift for just a little longer.

The world is wrapped in silence and white. The only sound coming is Lorcan's faint voice as he is talking with someone on the phone, but that seems too distant.

The air is sharp, biting my cheeks and turning every breath into a small puff of silver mist. The snow beneath my boots crunches with that crisp, satisfying sound you only get when the temperature is well below freezing. The world looks hushed, as if every sound is caught in the soft blanket of snow.

Trees stand still, their branches heavy with powder, bending slightly under the weight. The sky is pale, almost glowing, as if the sun is hiding behind a curtain of thin, icy clouds. If you stand still long enough, you can hear the delicate whisper of snowflakes landing.

It's a day for reading by the window, for slow thoughts, for feeling grateful that even in the coldest freeze, there's beauty in every corner, but here I am standing in the snow.

Today, I am going back to my prison after a failed attempt at finding peace in freedom. I am tired, too tired, but I cannot do anything. I have to do what Lorcan wants. I barely slept last night because of Lorcan. We spent the whole evening and the night in bed doing his favorite thing. I hate him, but I don't know how to resist the physical attraction that awakens on its own when Lorcan touches me. Maybe my body accepts him more than my heart does.

He even brought dinner for me there. When he said he wanted to make up for the days we were not together, he was not lying.

Every inch of my body is hurting. I just want to sleep. The only good thing is that he kept his word. He did not even once release it inside my body, and that is the reason that by the time he was finished, we and the sheets were a total mess. He did not even stop, even when he took me to take a shower.

When we returned to the room after taking a shower, we changed the sheets together. Maybe that is the only normal couple thing we have done together. I did not expect him to help me, but he did.

I was worried about the dirty sheets and the cleaning, but Lorcan told me that he would send someone to clean everything when we leave.

Suddenly, a hand covers my snow-covered hand, and I am pulled towards a warm body. "Where are you lost, mo aingeal? You will get cold like this." Lorcan says as he removes the snow from my hand. (My angel)

I just noticed I had been standing in the snow with my outstretched hand for a while, and now my hand is covered with snow. I try to feel my hand, but it is numb now because of the cold.

"Have you locked the cottage?" I ask Lorcan, looking back towards the cottage, which I thought was my home, and where I believed Lorcan would never come. I remember the day clearly when I came here. I was so excited to see the cottage. I remember the feelings I felt that day.

"Tá." Lorcan looked where I was looking for a moment. I am looking towards it with sadness, while his eyes hold only disgust for the cottage.

Lorcan takes my hand in his, and that is when I notice my gloves in his hand, which I purposely left inside because I wanted to feel the cold.

"I saw you leaving them inside." He replied to my unspoken thoughts. How stupid was I to think he would not notice? This morning, after taking a shower, when I came back into the room, I was surprised to see the clothes laid out for me on the bed. Lorcan brought clothes with him that he wanted me to wear while taking me back.