DESOLATION

28

INEZ

It has been too long since I have lain in bed with these disturbing thoughts in my mind. I thought life would be the same after coming back from Garristown, but it proved to be even worse than it had been. I once tasted freedom: the freedom to go where I wanted, to talk to people, to breathe fresh air. Now that I am back here, I miss it all deeply.

It has been a week since I returned, and the desire to leave this mansion is growing more and more. I can feel it itching in my hands. I want to do something, anything other than just being in this mansion. Almost a year has passed since we got married, and if I had not been able to get away from Lorcan now, what hope do I have that I will be able to in the future?

It is high time that I should accept my defeat. I should accept Lorcan and the fact that I am never leaving him. If I have to be stuck here in this mansion doing nothing for one more day, then I lose my sanity. It pains to accept what Lorcan wants, but what option do I have now?

Lorcan is right, I should stop expecting and start accepting. This is the only way my life would be easier. Lorcan does not care if I continue to live like this, because, at the end of the day, he has me, and he knows I will never be able to escape. If I have to change my life, I will have to agree to his terms. If I don't want to get insane, then I will have to comply.

I raise my hand and look at my wedding ring. Is it really that easy to accept the marriage I never wanted and which was forced upon me? Upon reaching a decision, I sit up in bed and look for my nightgown. Finding it on the ottoman, I pick it and wear it to cover my nakedness. I woke up quite early today and found the bed empty. At first, I thought where he would be so early in the morning, but then I saw his things on the table, and I could hear the faint voice of the shower running, so I concluded that he was taking a shower.

Although getting naked in front of Lorcan does not matter anymore, I still want to be confident while talking with him. Sitting on the bed, I thought about my decision once again. I don't know what I am going to do will prove to be better or worse in my favor, but I have decided upon it and I will not change my mind.

My heart is beating so loud that I can even hear it. A thousand thoughts are swirling inside my mind. I am feeling the same fear and uncertainty that one feels while standing on a cliff deciding whether to jump or not.

Suddenly, I hear the sound of shoes, and then Lorcan appears from the closet fully dressed. He was fixing his coat when his eyes looked at me, and he stopped. My body stood up on its own. What the hell? Why did I stand up? I internally smacked my head.

"You are up early today," Lorcan said after gazing at me from top to bottom. He comes towards me and, placing his hands on both sides of my waist, lightly kisses my lips.

He pulled back but did not remove his hands from my waist. "Lorcan, I want to talk about something," I said, looking up at his face. He is looking at me with undivided attention, and it is shaking my resolve. He is in a good mood, and what I am about to say will make him the happiest man on earth today.

"I am listening," Lorcan said. His thumb is lightly making circles on my waist, and it is giving me a tingling sensation, waking up something inside me that I don't want to surface at the moment. Why is it turning me on?

"I have made my decision, Lorcan. I will not take the pills from now on." That's it. I said it. I look at his face and find an unreadable expression covering his features.

I remove his hands and turn away from him to pick up the packet of pills. I pick it up and look at it, thinking about my decision once more. I have to do it or else I will forever be stuck inside these walls. I have to do it for my sanity. I turn back to Lorcan and push the packet towards him.