All I Ever Wanted

• 24 •

Nilipat ko ang channel ng TV pagkatapos nilipat ko ulit. At nilipat ko na naman. Nilipat ko nang nilipat nang nilipat. Then I groaned loudly and threw the remote control on the couch. Bakit wala bang mapanood?

Sighing, I picked the remote and turned the TV off. Sumandal ako sa couch at pinikit ang mata. It has been three days. Three days since that day Kale and I fought but eventually (and thankfully) made-up. Three days since Kale and Carmen met and had a date

And guess what? After that night, patuloy pa rin silang lumalabas. Actually, kani-kanina lang, umalis si Kale para makipagkita kay Carmen. See, it was just four in the afternoon. Ang aga-aga niya umalis tapos kapag uuwi siya, gabing-gabi na.

Pustahan, babalik yan ng mga eleven mamayang gabi. Paano ko nalaman? Well, these past two nights, Kale didn't know but, I waited for him until he came home. Ewan, hindi ako makatulog hangga't di pa sya umuuwi. So I stayed up late in the living room with lights off and an open window.

Nagmulat ako ng mga mata at napunta ang tingin ko sa laptop na nasa ibabaw ng center table. Umayos ako sa pagkakaupo sa sofa pagkatapos ay kinuha ko ang laptop at inilagay ito sa tabi ko. I flipped it open then turned the power on.

Ngayon na lagi ng nagdedate sina Kale at Carmen, I guessed I... I mean Kale wouldn't need his account. I logged in on Kale's account on the dating site. Pumunta ako sa account settings at hinanap ang "delete account" button. After finding it, I clicked it. And there popped in the confirmation message. I clicked "yes". And with that, Kale's account was deleted.

In all fairness, malaki rin ang naitulong ng dating site na yun. Dahil dun, nakilala ni Kale si Carmen. Si Carmen na posibleng maging first girlfriend niya... I know, based on what was happening on them right now, di nga malabong mangyari yun.

I should be happy. Like it was all I wanted. For Kale to stop being a player. For him to date someone and try to open up his heart. For him to realize how to fall in love. And it was happening. He was already dating Carmen. About him falling for her, that I couldn't tell. Pero sa nakikita ko, parang papunta na rin sila doon. And fudge, I'm not happy about it!

Mas gusto ko pang bumalik si Kale sa dati, hanging out with different girls he barely remember the names. Because with that, I knew it was purely fun. Unlike now, he was actually went out with just the same girl, Carmen, and still going out with her.

I really don't know. Hindi ko na rin maintindihan ang sarili ko. Alam mo yung feeling na oo, dapat makipagdate si Kale, pero with Carmen, parang hindi tama. I mean kahit siguro kanino siya makipagdate, hindi magiging tama para sa akin. Because...

Because, the one that should be with Kale right now is... me. Fudge! What had I just thought? Argh! Ano ba 'to? Nagkakagusto na ba ko kay...Kale?

Heaving a deep sigh, I leaned down against the back of the couch, again. Nang ipunta ko ang mata sa ibaba, nakita ko ang natutulog na si Suzy. For a moment, naisip ko na sana pwedeng makipagpalit ng sitwasyon kay Suzy ngayon. Para ako, mahimbing lang na natutulog, walang iniisip. Hindi pinoproblema itong mga weird na nararamdaman ko nitong mga nagdaang araw. Ayoko talagang isipin ang mga bagay na ito ngayon. Pero wala naman akong maisip na gawin sa loob ng bahay na ito para maalis ang atensyon ko sa nararamdaman ko.

Alam ko na! Isa lang naman ang mabisang nakakatanggal ng stress ko-jogging.

After changing into jogging pants and a sporty top, I put on my rubber shoes. Nang makadaan ako sa living room, tulog pa rin si Suzy. I glanced at my wristwatch, 4.35 pm. It would be weird to jog around this time. Pero wala akong magagawa, nawalan na ako ng ibang gagawin. At ito lang ang alam ko na makakaiwas pansamantala sa pag-iisip ko tungkol kay Kale.