Library Date|Phan (BoyxBoy)

Chapter Seventeen: I Can't Do This

Dan's POV

I stand in one of the back rooms with a few family and friends, along with Phil, and I keep my gaze low. I avoid conversations and eye contact, not wanting to look at anyone. I don't want to be here. I shouldn't be here. I don't belong here. I wasn't their son. I was nothing to my parents. A nothing.

I let out a quiet sigh and I feel Phil's grip on my hand tighten a bit and I glance up at him. He looks at me and smiles weakly and I just look away, not returning the smile. The sound of everyone talking amongst themselves drives me insane.

Why aren't they in tears? Why aren't they giving me condolences? Of course I wouldn't care if they did and just brush it off but seriously.

I watch as everyone starts heading out into the other room where the two coffins are placed up in the front. I stay standing, leaning against the wall and I feel Phil tug at my hand and I look up at him fully.

"It's time to go out there, Dan."

"I can't go out there. I just can't."

"Yes, you can. You have to."

"I have to? Why do I have to?"

"Because they were your parents!"

"Not really! They treated me like some animal!"

"Dan, come on, please!"

"No. I'm not going out there."

"Yes you are whether you want to or not."

His grip tightens on my arm and he drags me out of the room and into the other and I let out a groan. He's so fucking stubborn sometimes but it's hard to stay mad at Phil. I manage to get him to let us sit in the way back of the room and I keep my eyes down, staring at the floor. I'm about to doze off when I feel someone nudge my shoulder and I see it's Phil.

"You have to go up there." He whispers to me.

"I'm not going up there." I whisper back a bit harshly.

"You need to Dan. Don't make me drag you up there, too."

I roll my eyes at him and stand slowly, making my way up to the front and up to the podium. I didn't have this planned and quite frankly I have nothing good to say about my parents. I stand awkwardly, shifting my weight and I look around the room at all the faces of my family members who didn't even care about me, either.

I let out a sigh and close my eyes, "I can't do this."

And with that, I quickly run out of the room and out the front doors into the cold, crisp London air. I hear Phil calling after me but I ignore him and keep running back home. Our home. Mine and Phil's home. I ignore the pain in my chest and try and steady my breathing while running. I don't stop.

When I get to the flat, I quickly unlock the door and throw it open, slamming it shut behind me. I walk further into the room and stop. That's when I begin to break down. The tears come faster then I've ever cried and my voice is nothing but choked sobs and cries.

I sit down in the middle of the floor, bringing my knees up to my chest and I cry. I cry until I can't cry. I end up sitting with my back against the wall, staring into nothing when Phil finally comes home. He walks over to me and I look up at him, my eyes red and puffy and he smiles sadly at me.

"Why did you leave, Dan?" He asks me quietly and I just sigh.

"I couldn't do it."

"Couldn't do what?"

"I couldn't do what everyone wanted me to do. I couldn't talk about how great and how loving and how much I'll miss my parents because I'd be telling lies."

"You could have at least said something-"

"No! I wouldn't have been able to say anything!"

"Dan-"

"No.. it's too late to go back and even if we could go back I wouldn't go. I just.. I'm going to bed."

"Alright.. goodnight, Bear."

"Yeah, whatever.. goodnight."

I stand up slowly, feeling a bit dizzy and make my way to my bedroom. I strip down into my boxers and climb under the duvet, tucking it up to my chin and I sigh, closing my eyes. I hear Phil walk into his own room and he closes his door. I keep biting on the inside of my lip to try and calm my nerves and eventually sleep takes over me.