The Bagman's Direction

Chapter 29

Lust. Noun: Strong sexual desire; a passionate desire for something; a sensuous appetite regarded as sinful.
Verb: to have a strong sexual desire for someone or something.

Desire. Noun: a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen; strong sexual feeling or appetite. Verb: strong wish for or want; want someone sexually.

This was not lust or sexual desire. This was... This was...

I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow and I spent the whole day in my room. I felt the same way I did when Temper was shot, I wanted to stay under the covers for the rest of my life. I swore I'd never get better.

Then there was a knock on my locked bedroom door late at night. I heard Niall's soft accent from the other side telling me the circle had been set up. I had to get up. I had to get over it.

I opened the door and followed him down the dimly lit corridor and into the rumpus room.

I didn't know how to take in what I saw. The group were in a circle, sitting in dining chairs and bean bags and stools and pillows, an assortment of colourful and comfortable seats. Candles littered the room, their scents overwhelming and their illumination bright. When I entered everybody's head turned to me with wide and expecting eyes like I was laughing at a funeral.

Niall lead me to vacant seats and we sat next to each-other, becoming part of the silent group. My eyes flitted around to the mellow faces, it appeared Liam and the girls had returned. It hurt to look at Liam but all I wanted was to hug him.

"We like to have vent circles every couple of months when things get hard and fear and stress take over. Unfortunately we haven't had one in a year or so but I thought it was time, especially with Louis' inability to handle the Game last night" Harry explained and I scoffed, not bothering to be subtle.

"Each person gets a chance to talk. You can say anything. Whether it be an issue bothering you now, something someone said that upset you, your backstory, a horrible event from your past, your views and opinions on something, well anything. Say whatever it is that's eating you up inside and that you want off your chest before you tear yourself to shreds. We'll move in a clockwise direction" Niall elaborated, swooping in to save the day.

"Can I start?" Fetch enquired.

Niall nodded and gestured for them to go on. I leant back in my seat and folded my arms, intrigued to how this could operate without offending anyone.

"My boyfriend threatened to search the entire globe to find me and I don't doubt him considering he has a pilot's license. Since I'm in One Direction he's not allowed to know my location or what I do or anything. I'm a mystery to him and it's one of the biggest reasons he loves me but it's also the reason he hates me. I thought being agender meant I'd never find love but he doesn't care. He has never once used the wrong pronouns and he loves the name Fetch. What kills him is this movement. What kills him is not being able to live with me or know where I am at all times. I visited him just last year, my first time out of the states and I swore I'd never come back here. I'm so smitten and now he wants to break up because the distance is hurting him... As if it doesn't hurt me?! I love him. I want to be with him but I made a commitment to One Direction, to my sister, to Harry. This is my home and my family and my passion. He doesn't understand because doesn't know.  For all he knows I could be working for the CIA. I am a mystery to him but I'm also the person he fell in love with. That has to mean something. That has to mean he can live with the not knowing. That has to mean he can live with the distance. That has to mean he can live in the three day visits and embraces. That means he can do this because I'm the reward. Right? If only he could"