Forelsket || taekook

Letter

My Taehyungie,

I don't know if I should even be writing this or not. If you will be okay after reading it. I don't know if I will be okay after writing it.

My hands won't stop shaking, Hyung. I keep stopping because I can't see the words anymore. Everything is blurry. I think I've already cried too much, but the tears keep coming anyway. I'm sorry if this letter looks ruined. I think I am ruining it with my pain, but it's nothing, what you must be feeling right now? right?

But please for the last time, please read this okay?

I am so sorry, Hyungie.

I am so, so sorry for what my family did to you.
For the way my brothers hit you.
For the words they threw at you.
For the hate in their eyes when they looked at you.
For the way you stood there and took it all, just for me.

For disappointing you so much.

I am really sorry hyung, I am really not worth it for the pain hyung.

Please don't hurt anymore because of me. I dont deserve you. 

That night keeps replaying in my head.
Your bruised face, your bleeding hands.
The way you still looked at me like I was the only thing that mattered, but please, hyung, don't.

I hate myself for that; I hate that it all happened because of me.

If I could go back, I would stand in front of you. I would take every slap, every punch, every curse meant for you. You didn't deserve any of it. You came there for me, for love in your heart, and they treated you like a criminal.

I'm sorry I couldn't protect you.

And I'm sorry...hyungie
I'm sorry for the hurt and pain i caused.

I'm sorry I didn't choose you.

Please believe me when I say this: it wasn't because I didn't love you.
It was never that. I love you, Taehyungie.
God, I really love you so much it hurts to breathe sometimes.

When you asked me to come with you, my heart screamed yes.
My soul was already holding your hand I really wanted to rush into your arms.
But my body wouldn't move. I was really scared and terrified hyung
I was in between you and my family, and I didn't know how to survive losing either.

If I had left with you, I would have lost my parents forever. I would have lost my brothers. I would have lost the only home I've ever known. I know you would have kept me safe. I know you would have loved me enough for the both of us. But I wasn't brave like you. I couldn't see them treating me as if I were dead. I can't see the hurt and disappointment in their eyes for me.

I hate myself for being weak.

Please never think that I chose them because you mattered less.
I chose them because I didn't know how to live without them.
And I lost you anyway. I knew if I chose you, then I would lose myself with my family, too.

I am so sorry hyung.

Taehyungie... please promise me something.

Please take care of yourself,  dont stop eating or stop sleeping.
Please don't hurt yourself because of me, okay?

If something happens to you, I don't think I will survive it. I already feel like I lost half of myself the moment you turned away that night, you know I cried so much after you left. You didn't just go alone, you even took my heart with you. You took my happiness with you, hyung.

I promise you—I swear to you—I will take care of myself too. I will try. Even on days when it feels impossible. Even when every corner of my room reminds me of you. Even when I wake up, reaching for my phone, I realise that I didn't even have my phone anymore. Forgetting you're not allowed to exist in my life anymore, and I am not allowed to love or breathe anymore. 

So, I'm sending you this ring. I got it for you after saving it. It was supposed to be something happy, something that I got you from my money and love. I wanted to gift it to you and see you smile and maybe kiss me a little?

Now it feels like I'm giving you my heart instead, my last gift to you.

This is my last gift to you.
The last piece of me I can send.

Maybe in another time and in another life.
Maybe when the world is kinder to people like us...

We will meet again. And if that day ever comes, please remember that once, someone loved you so deeply that even losing you didn't stop that love.

I love you, Taehyung. I really love you so much that it hurts to even stop thinking about you. I loved you before the pain. I love you in the pain.
And I will love you even after this goodbye.

Please don't forget me. I know that you will move on, maybe not tomorrow, or next week. But someday. Please move on, okay? Just don't forget me, okay? Just don't remember me with bad memories or hurt i caused  okay. I hope you find love again. I hope one day someone will love you more than I can show. Or maybe they are strong enough that they can fight for you, unlike me. 

I don't know if I can say it anymore. But maybe one last time.

Please? I love you taehyung. I love you so much. Trust me, for me, you will always be my love, my hyungie.

Forever your's Jungkookie.

The letter is soaked at the bottom, the inksmudged where his tears fell again and again, as if he couldn't let go even onpaper

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