About Harry

Chapter 26 - Red tape

His face was completely different, in the morning Hermione had changed it She was so skilful with this kind of spells that even Sunrise faltered a moment seeing him. It had been only a moment though, the next she was smiling smug climbing on his lap and pulling his now blond whitish thin hair.

'You look like Teddy' she said.

'I'll take it as a compliment' he answered chuckling.

He still couldn't believe to have her with him again. It was almost like living a dream and expecting to wake up any moment. But it wasn't. She was there, her wild curls framing her chubby face, looking at him lovingly. Suddenly he asked himself how could have even only contemplated to abandon her, to leave his child alone.

He had lived in a haze since Ginny's death. A haze made of toxic feelings and actions and even when he thought to have his mind clear it had never been really so. At times clouded by anger, at times clouded by delusion, at times clouded by numbing grief. Never clear.

But as a veil was lifted, he had finally succeeded in freeing his mind. Actually, to be honest, he hadn't succeeded in anything of the kind. It was Sunrise who had lifted it with her simple presence.

When, in the living room, he heard her voice, it had been a sheer shock. He had made for the spring of it in a trance not even aware of having left the windowsill.

Seeing her had been odd; the haze, the confusion, the unstoppable buzz in his head, had finally collapsed, freeing him.

And holding her had been one of the best sensations ever felt. It was as though a piece of him, he hadn't realised it was missing, was only then restored. And that strong bond they shared made him tremble thinking what she could have endured if he had succeeded in his self-destructive purpose.

Now, with a mind finally free, he reproached himself harshly for it, for having considered to abandon her, the boys, Ted and, not less important, Hermione. After all she had done for him, all the time she had strived to save his life, he was repaying her finishing the deed himself.

But then, he considered, perhaps it had been necessary. Having seen Ginny and Lily had helped him understand his error, it consoled him and gave him the strength to bear what was necessary to bear. Had it been real or only in his head? The same question as when seventeen presented itself again. Dumbledore had affirmed that, notwithstanding it was in his head, didn't mean it wasn't real.

The full meaning of it escaped him then and still now he was at loss. It had felt so real, but then most of his dreams had the same characteristic and weren't so.

He didn't know, probably never would if not at his death and maybe not even then. But it didn't matter, he liked to think it had been indeed real, and the thought that Ginny was severely supervising him was a prod in behaving as best as he could.

He kissed Sunrise still overwhelmed by the thought of having her there. He hadn't slept well since she had been back. Every few hours he felt impelled to go and check to make sure it hadn't been a dream, and she was fine.

He thanked his lucky star for having placed Hermione on his path when a boy; he owed everything to her, even his reunion with Sunrise. Without Hermione he would never have been able to take her back in fear of hurting her further.

He was sorry to be unable to love Hermione as she wished. He would have liked to be able to, but there was no use in trying. That feeling was either there or not. He could have probably shared a house with her, even the same bed, making love with her and cuddling her as he had done with Ginny, but it would have always felt only like a friendship to him. He couldn't make her happy, he truly wished to see her so, but he had not the power to accomplish that. There was nothing he could do to change his feeling as there was nothing that could be done to change hers.