About Harry

Hermione

When he is gone, I stare blankly at the wall for some time reflecting on his words. He is right, I cannot pretend he is not. It has been confirmed by the today's unpleasant debacle. He will never want to make love with me because it's me, he is in a worse denial than myself.

I cannot go away however, and neither I do want to. I guess I could be strong and refuse him. But I don't want that either. For years I dreamt to have what I got. For years I fantasized about it. Yes, when I was making love with Ron too. It's despicable. I know. But then it really turned me on, and it was benefitting both in the end.

I still remember the first time I have done it consciously.

It happened during a summer holiday. We had decided to go all together despite Ron was never really enthusiastic about it. Going with them it meant an almost total muggle holiday. We had to endure long journeys by airplane, taxis, or buses. I was used to it obviously but not Ron and he didn't like it much. We had to stay far from magical people and mix only with muggles.

It was almost always in paradise sea places with crystalline water and sand so white it was dazzling. I liked it. Their company was always pleasant and prevented us from arguing too much.

Harry always greatly enjoyed those trips. To him it was finally a chance to lower his guard and be left alone, only there he could really relax.

In one of those summer holidays, we rented two fancy huts just in front of the beach.

One night I couldn't sleep, and I was sitting in the porch looking at the gentle swing of the waves, the night lovely, warm and starry. Lily and Hugo weren't born yet, Rose was about four.

I knew already then that I was in love with Harry. I have always known it, but, at the time, I was still convinced it wasn't love but a kind of crush, and I could get over it.

As I said I was enjoying the quietness and the loneliness when I suddenly heard some giggles coming from their hut. Some repressed soft laugh soon hushed, a second later Ginny sprinted lightly outside followed straight away by Harry who grasped her by an arm and pulled her toward him. He began kissing her quite avidly in a manner that would have annihilated in me every possible reasoning or will, but she pushed him away playfully and run toward the sea. He smirked and tailed her.

Ginny freeing herself form her nightie jumped into the water, Harry followed her example and pursued her. When he got hold of her, they played laughing lightly and then they made love there, in the water, under my eyes.

My heart was pumping madly in my chest and a deep longing for the same pervaded me. All that playfulness, joy and companionship was barred to me. All that desire was barred to me.

I could never have hoped for something like that with Ron. Already then, our relationship wasn't working and weren't many the times where we would find ourselves laughing together and surely never with that playfulness. We were still having sex quite regularly, but it was very different from what I witnessed that night between Harry and Ginny. It was less.... Less.

I got back in the hut, all my senses painfully on. I woke Ron up and made my intentions pretty clear. He was surprised, pleasantly so, glanced only briefly to Rose's bed to ascertain she was sleeping and did what I wanted him to do. There it had been the first time I, consciously, swapped him with Harry and the intercourse that followed had been greatly satisfying for both. So, satisfying that cuddles followed, some sweet words and the next day we actually walked hand in hand and didn't argue the whole day.

I can almost say that most of the affectionate moments with Ron have been because I swapped him with Harry. Pitiful, I know.

That's why I'm willing to be only a substitute, it's still more than what I could have hoped for. But then just because it happened last night, it doesn't mean it will happen again. If that's the case, I'll console myself thinking that at least I had it once.

Harry will probably be sleeping until tonight. I'll go to the Burrow, and I'll do some grocery shopping.