If you dont want to read this and only read this for fun and to laugh at me, please dont bother reading. This is kinda like my personal blog/rant page. So if you dont want toread depressing ness, then leave.
So I dont have full school tomorrow. Thank god. I think I would die if I had another day of fucking Mr. Cat. Oh and my brhtday is on SATURDAY bitches!!! Sorry, there will be swearing in this one. I feel like he just waits to make me cry. Seriously.
Ok so I need help. And Im serious. I dont care how helps me, but I need help. I havent been able to own up to it yet and tell my friends. ahh well if they read this at least they know. I dont know how to say this out loud so this is my telling. Im sorry. Sorry for being a bitch. Sorry for lieing about being happy. Sorry for everything. When Im with you guys, I feel like a wieght id off my shoulders until I have to go home. I feel like moving to The Isle of Misfits. WOuld it be a nice place? I hope.
I feel like nothing. I feel like I have never please anyone. I never make my parents happy. I had swim practice today. HAHA thanks for making it worse Brian. And if Ryan's reading this. Forgive me. I lied. I never have had love in my life. You were the kindest boy I have ever meet and thank you. But you hurt me more than you think the first time. I was finally happy. Finally close to being loved by someone. But telling me I was too happy? dude, way to screw me up even more.
I cant do anything. I suppose its time to apologize to everyone Ive hurt by being alone. So here it is. Im sorry for hurting your feelings, for ditching you, for kicking you. For ignoring you, for judging you.
I guess I cant judge. Ive been judged al my life. I stopped talking normally and fake everything. i never guessed that I was this bad that I had to make a blog about this. My brother haha... Sorry for pushing you off the stairs on your rocking horse and saying it could fly. We got yelled at for that one but its ok. we had fun.
Soccer used to be my love. Where I could be me and play my feelings out. But hwen I broke my ankle? I couldnt take it. I considered dieing before and I know that its not okay. But I cant tell. I cant say my true feelings. I cant deal with tears anymore. I became sarcastic. I became uncaring. I pushed all my feeling into a corner and told them to wait for a while. Its been what, 7 years since i told them that I was coming back? Haha never come out. Cz when they do I will cry.
I needed to tell my friends something but I cant. I havent got anything else to say. I only have actions. Wonder why I dont tell you how I actually feel? Cause I cant give up on that feeling that one day I will be able to deal with this feeling I have.
I guess my queston to the world is ; why? what did i do wrong? Why cant I be happy? they are all happy and joyful, all kind and polite. Amazing singers, writers, and drawers. And me? I cant even tell them one simple thing.
Dont worry. I wont kill myself. I dont have the courage for that. I couldnt bear leaving my friends, leaving behind my best friends, leaving people to wonder how i could have lived. I dont have that courage. I love them too much to see them cry because of me or feel guilty. But thats it. If not for them, I would be dead. trust me. This year ive considered suicide. And I know its not an answer to my problems, but I feel like its the only way to get out of this hell im living in.
Dont feel like its your problem. I never wanted to burden you. Im a waste of space, waste of love. But you get to deal with me. And no im not drawing drama to myself. I dont want that. I want to be a normal person. I feel like I live for a chance to change, but that chance is to far away to care.
"Here we go welcome to my funeral... All alone its dark and cold"~ dancing with tears in my eyes.
My life needs to go away and give me a day of sunshine. A day of happiness.
Sorry for the sadness but thats me.
