Well, I have decided that I need my friends more than life itself... as in I had to text Cani to talk to her cz I special and not fun.
Life is going downhill for me. I try not to care what others think of me, but I hate the looks I get from people when I walk down the street wearing braclets or the clothes I like. I hate the fact that because I have a friend who has short hair, we can get looks. Or because we laugh about stuff and we go in Hot Topic its okay to judge. I hate it. I hate it so much.
I feel like life cant get any worse, but then it does. I want the pain to end and want all this hate that I get from people to go away. I want everything just to end so I can finally be okay with myself, cz I'm still not.
I may not seem it, but I do care about what others say. I care about the things people say to me and I care about the hate that I get from them. I hate being called names and being shoved around. I hate being the one who its okay to pick on.
I havent gone into work at all this summer which I should probably do. I need to go and see my second family and get hugs from Dean and laugh at Ryan and Tims stupidity and see Casey and Ed and everyone. But I can't face them right now. I cant go in there and see them smiling not knowing whats going on in my head. I have to face them come fall, but I can probs get out of it by soccer and then winter will be the test I suppose.
I told Canisa this last night and I might as well put it here so I can get it out of my head, but I feel like if I disapear, or vanish, or die, no one will care. No one will remember me. I know that it isnt true, because my friends would care so much, but still its in my mind.
I still have trouble sleeping as a bunch of my friends know. Mainly Cani and I cant remember if Karysa knows. I cant get thoughts out of my head long enough to sleep. Or I have nightmares and wake up at like 3 and cant go back to sleep. Yur I got nightmares.
And I know that they shouldnt be that bad, they shouldnt be about my friends dieing in front of me or me having to see them be torutred until they scream for mercy. But I can't stop. It hurts me more that my friends are dieing than me dieing.
Im not afraid of death, but I am afraid of the aftermath, of not being able to stop their deaths.
My dreams arent exactly normal. My dreams suck. As does my brain. Basically, every weakness I have gets put into a dream/nightmare and I have to face them. Kinda like the Divergent series what the Dauntless have to go through, except I dont get a break.
So yer.
And then the thoughts of how I deserve to die and that no one cares, and my friends are fake (which I know isnt true butttt... yer) and that Im worthless and no one wants to know me and im a failure and that I should go die and finally, the amazing bombshell, that my family will never accept me and hate me.
And my brother takes those thoughts I have and makes then worse by saying them and punching me and making me feel worse about myself.
I hate myself. Thats the only truth I can think of. I honestly cant stand myself. I hate how I look. how I feel, how i talk, how I'm not "normal".
I try to think of good quotes, I have a bunch taped on to my wall, but sometimes I cant help but wonder how dieing would be.
MEEEERRRRR!
K on a happier note, Im going to hang out with my friends tomorrow! :) YAY! Did I mention I love my friends? Sick cool.
