So... after I last updated this I got called by my awesome buddy who I love dearly to tell me that i was never alone nor would I ever leave her. And I guess I kinda needed that because I was so aprehensive about someone leaving me or ignoring me because of something I almost did.
I don't want sympathy as I have stated before. I made this so that I could blog/ write out my feelings and let my friends know without telling them face to face as they all live so far away. I love them al dearly and when she told me that I was never going to be left alone, I let out a breath that i never knew i was holding in. So thank you.
We ended up texting tonight and I have two of my closest friends told. Only eight more or so to go! I also emailed Jocy telling her to read this. I guess I needed to tell her.
I made a deal with I guess myself. I will update this once a week or more. I kinda need to tell my friends about so many things. Here, I don't have anyone peering over my shoulder, or telling me how to feel. I dont have my mother telling me that I have to go to college or my dad trying to ship me off to Japan for college or my brother not knowing whats going on, joking around about stuff that I find sensitve.
Speaking of which. My brother took some gum and I didnt see it and I heard a rattling. I asked him what it was, trying hard not to seem worried or agitated or anything like that. What does he say? My nightmare. "Its pills". Okay. So for anyone who doesn't know.
1) Not cool dude. 2) I almost killed myself via pills and 3) You don't joke about that.
I can say though that I have figured out something. Whenever I get really sad or just feel emotionless, my shoulder ( which I injured during swimming) hurts more. So I suppose I can just check how that feels to tell me what hurts or not.
I have figured out that I had way to many pills and stuff liekt hat upstairs. WE HAD LIKE 10 BOTTLES OF DAYQUIL UP HERE! WTF!!!!! So I decided to take them all downsairs and put them in a cabinet so that I would have to go past my creaky stairs to get them and hopefully wake someone up.
So suffice to say that all the pills and dayquil are downstairs now. I didnt want to slip back to the place I was and have easy acess to pills and crap.
Im not gonna lie. Im scared. I told my awesome friends who are now camping about me being scared about what if I do that again and I have no one to think of who will miss me. No one will remeber me as the girl who had so much to live for, but as the girl who killed herself. I wont be the sarcastic history nerd, I'll be the girl who faded into history.
Im scared of being the girl who didn't reach out for help when she needed it and it was to late when she did. of being the grl stuck in quicksand and the only thing to grab was a lionfish. Of leaving my friends alone to face the world with out me. Of letting Kristy cry without me being there to hold her, or Joie graduating and me not next to her. Of abby publishing hte next best seller and me not in the front of the line asking for a signature. or Bre being famous for jewlery and me not having bought one. Of lisa punchng Ryan in the face and me not there to back her up and tell the principal the truth. Of Ryan finally pissing off. Of marc going to college and me not seeing him get the job he wants. Of hannah scoring a game winning goal and me not there. Of alisha being a singer and me not buying records of her albums.
Of my friends growing old and me not there to grow old with them. And then when they all move away, no one to place flowers on a tombstone or being there for a funeral of a lonely girl who needed help but didnt reach out in time.
Im terrified of that. Of dieing and them not having me to lean on. And me not seeing them grow up and have amazing careers. Of me being stuck somewhere and not seeing them grow.
And what also scares me? Of my little 'nephew' who isn't really my nephew growing up and seeing his mother look at a picture on the wall of me and her and wondering who that girl is and if he can see her. And im not there to tell him that its me and spin him around.
I know many people out there are gonna think I'm faking or this is attention seeking. this is kinda a diary to me. I don't want this to be a top reader or a top rater or anything like that. I want it to be my thing that people can read if they want to but they don't have to. I want them to know that a girl is struggling but everyday she walks out of her room that has to many pictures of avenged sevenfold on her door and her cat on her bed with a smile on her face, but tears in her heart.
If you cried, don't worry. I did to. I need to vent and this is the place to do it. I am doing this so that if I ever decide that I can't face this all on my own, I can print out this and show it to someone, anyone. to my doctor, my guidance counsler, my friends, anyone who wants to know. Or I can look back on this day and go "wow look how far I've come from then" adn feel so proud of myself
Im not gonna stay completley silent about this. I still wont tell my parents or my brother or anyone I don't feel comfortable with sharing this. But here and now? This is where I can tell it. I want people to know that depression and suical thoughts aren't only in books or movie or tv shows. Its real life.
When people think of depression they think of cutting and always sadness. But thats not what it is. Its more of a come and go. Its there sometimes but when its there, it hits hard. Or at least thats me. I am not going to pretend that anyone who is depressed is like me. No. We are all different. But thats what it is for me.
I hate to think that someone is thinking that I am faking all of this. I'm not. I wish I could go back to first grade when a girl asked me if I wanted to play basketball and say yes instead of no. I could tell myslef that Ryan wasn't good for me or that taking him back the second time was the worst mistake of my life. That I could go back and tell Ryan that he was so lucky to have me and that I could have just owned up to that fact that I was so happy to finally have someone besides my mother or my brother tell me that he loved me.
That I felt loved. I think thats what made me realize that I was this bad. That I was looking back on old texts and I felt like shit for being an idiot who was dumped for being too happy. For smiling every day and waking up to texts that said 'good morning beautiful' and going to bed with the text of 'sleep tight'. For being able to daydream during class and imagine Ryan smiling at me. But now all I can imagine is the embrace of death and being alone forever because I am too damn afraid for being dumped for some stupid reason. Oh ya and Ryan?
That face you pulled when Jocy said during never have I ever dumped someone because they were to happy? Shove it. You honestly didn't think I wouldnt tell my best friend why you dumped me? Dude, I have been there with her since day one of third grade, middle school, and high school. I will never ditch her for you ever again. I will never ditch ehr for ANYONE again.
Thats it for today. Oh and my inspirational quote of the day?
Always believe in yourself.
