I suppose I have been depressed for a long time, but it became more pronounced as the years went on.
So I was in 6th grade and I had just gotten over the death of my great grandmother who I loved very much. I came back to school and I though it was better. It got worse as my life went on for silly things. For being English, for not saying the pledge because it wasn't my country, and more importantly, for having an openly gay best friend.
They kept at it, calling me a gay lover and all that stuff. There are some words which I wont repeat because of the rudeness.I couldn't deal with it. I cried every night and became more withdrawn and loved books more which got be called a nerd.
Then I meet these amazing people in seventh grade who literally made me so happy. I got over my depression and I was so happy with them. I got over the depression until this year, my 9th grade year. Then I had my first ever boyfriend. I was in love and so happy. After a week he dumped me for being too happy and fat. I cried and guess what came back? My buddy, depression.
I began the whole cycle of crying every night and being more withdrawn. I think it began to a climax about 3 months ago when I held a bottle of Advil to my mouth after a particulary hard day. I cried and sat on the floor of my room. My friend will never know this but I thought of her that night, She and all my other friends saved my life just by existing and being there. I was in tears and somehow she calmed me down enough for me to tell her that I was so, so sad. I never told her that I held pills to my mouth, or that I was seriously going to kill myself. They never knew.
I am still depressed, or at least I think. I have never told anyone. Why you may ask? Easy. I hate people telling me that life is great and amazing. I cant rely on other people to fix myself. I need to be strong.
I wont tell anyone this, but Harry Potter, funnily enough, is the place I went for my alone time. He grew up with me and made be stronger. I kinda thought that I could confine in them and they would never tell anyone.
Well I'm sick of keeping it secret. I am so glad that this week we can share our stories. I needed to tell someone this and I guess facebook and wattpad is my place to tell. Thank you for reading.
I will never forget the sadness I felt that night, and the sadness I feel now. I thought of all of my friends that night, and I could never forgive myself if I killed myself and left them alone without me. I am dissapointed in myself. But I can never fix this. This is why I listen to heavy metal, and I stay up in my room all alone.
I know that my friends are all happy on the outside, and I seem like I would never be depressed, but we share secrets that we will never tell. Like how ********** or ********. We all have our secrets, and luckily enough I have friends who arent afraid to help each other.
I have cleaned out my cabinets of all pain killers and I make sure that I don't have anything harmful in my room, but sometimes, sometimes I have the urge to kill myself. But thats selfish. I can't leave Kristy or Abby or Lisa or Jocy or Hannah or Katie or Breanna or Alisha or Katlyynn or Lizzy or Abigail or Hunter or anyone else.
And now Im in tears for doing that. Im thinking of telling my friends face to face that I did try to kill myself. That I would leave my friends because of a jerk of a kid.
Oh ya, and by the way Ryan? Thanks for a living hell. Thanks for the thoughts of my thinking that I was never loved or that I was to happy. Thanks so fucking much. I should punch you in the face for all the things youve said to lisa and hannah and krsity and Abby and Jocy and me. I hope that you feel horrible. I hope you feel guilty that I tried to kill myself while thinking about you.
thats a lie. Dont feel guilty. Please dont. Just know that you telling me that I was too happy made me more depressed and suicidal. Just know that I don't want apologies, that I dont need you faking to be nice. I dont need that from you.
My friends, please, please don't ever feel that its your fault for this. It was never your fault. When I'm with you, I could fly. I am so happy when Im with you. It was some jerk in middle school. No. It was some girl in first grade telling me that no one would ever love me.
So here's a message to all my friends, whether or not they read this
Abby: Thank you for everything. You skyped me on one of my worst days and we talked for hours. And I was happy. Writing about Kaleco's death made me think fo things that I shouldnt have and you saved me from so much sadness. Thank you.
Kristy: You being a happy little girl and being happy in math made me smile every day. I just wanted to tell you that you were the one I though of when I held the pills to my mouth. I couldn't leave you alone to face the world. You are like my sister and I could never take away a sister from you.
Katie: Heya Shorty. No tears because if I know you, you'll be in tears by now. Thank you. For being htere when Joie was being mad at me, when I was sad, and when I just needed someone to rant to during health. I am so, so sorry for hiding this from you but, I wasnt comfortable telling you yet.
Breanna: We havent really spoken, and I doubt you'll read this, but thank you. You were like a rock to me. You may not have know this but you helped me stay true to me and not let anyone get me down,although that was amittably harder after ryan was an ass.
Jocy: What do I say to my best friend after telling you this? I am so, so sorry I kept this from you. From third grade until now, you have always been there when I needed you and I never let you know. I love you so much as a friend. You telling ryan off for dumping me last week was amazing.
Alisha: Hey buddy! I guessed yo unever knew but when you came over, and we talked for hours during the walk to the quarry, I ranted to you a bit. Thank you for taking it in your stride. I hope we can become better friends. Thank you
Nicki: I feel like I should be going to that camp instead of you. I hope we can become better friends. I know that you will always be there for me and never let me down and telling me off when im out of control. Thank you.
Hannah: Um... hi? I should have told you and Mel about this ages ago but I guess I was denying it? You were one of my first freshman buddies and soccer is a love! I guess tha right now Im hoping for acceptance and you not leaving me. I hope you like the Faraway Tree book!
So with all those over, I have a great thing to say. I am an aunt in a wierd way! My awesome friend who shall remain nameless has an adorable baby boy named J.T. and I kinda dubbed myself an aunt right there and then. I will always love him and will hopefully be part of his life as he grows up. He is already huge and a big boy. He can walk, but only backwards! Its adorable! Another reason for me to stay alive. I need to be there for him to know that *************** and ********* and *********** and I will always be the wierd kinda sisters.
Thanks for listening/reading this. Please, please dont judge me. And to my friends, please dont leave me alone.
Im scared of that. Im scared of being left alone by my friends to suffer by myself. Please don't leave me. Please
