So I have nothing better to do... Im akwardy in my room, trying to ignore my family. Really could deal with not being here right now. I suppose this is is kinda like a blog right? Well then, time to write it.
Sorry about boring you all but I could really deal with ranting and you, my amazing friends, actually read this. SO here we go.
Am I the only one out there who feels like they have no purpose? Or feel like they are always put down? Thats me. Hi Im the girl who gets put down constantly. I never get to have anything to myslef, though I guess having my own room is AWESOME! but again, those who know me at school, haha. Im different at my house. My brother puts me down, my mum makes fun of me, oh and my dad? Well good luck seeing him around. Hes always off somewhere. He always in CHina, Japan, or Shanghai. I maybe have had 3 birthdays with him and I dont expect to have him around a lot. but what can you expect from a girl who has only disapointed her family?
Ya. I quit gymnastics, swim team, club soccer, dance team and horseback riding. I havent yet found anything I love. I cant draw, cant write, and cant sing. So I guess the only thing I have to do to impress them is school right? Ha HA. THey are so against me. I failed Social Studies in 7th grade, failed gym in eighth. So sure I can impress them. But I will never live up to there standards. I try my hardest. But I cant. they will NEVER be impressed. I mean cmon. I was ignored for the first what 12 years of my life? My little brother, who has dyslexicia, will always overshadow me because he is 'special'. oh and did i mention that i have given up?
I was depressed for sooo many years. I think all my life I have never had real happiness. From 6 years old when i got told i was horrible and that i didnt deserve to live (haha cough cough erica) to now when I'm still struggling to find purpose and happiness in life. When I got told I was too happy by my ex, haha thank you for making it worse. I had gotten over it in 7th grade when I had real friends. Ya I was that loner. I think my only true friend in life has been books. I now have more problems than my parents will ever know.
So I'm back to the start. Im back to being depressed(even though they dont know that) and Im back to being looked down on. For once, just once in my life. I want to be on top. Is that too much to ask? Obviously it is. Now if you actually read this. thank you. You make me feel loved. But I will always be like this.
And not everyone has to like me. I just want to be happy again. Not my fake happy, my true happy. The one that I have only felt once in my life. haha... I just want to be happy and joyful. I want to have a reason for living. I have never chosen my own destiny.... that was chosen for me a long time. I havent found true love. Havent found a purpose in life. My closest friend ditched me in fifth grade(your welcome that i kept your secrets). I havent trusted anyone in my life after that.
So Im done. I dont want sympathy or fake love. I dont want your stories on how it will get better. I dont want to be told that my prince will come one day. Well you know what prince charming? I quit waiting. I found my own path in life. And its one that doesnt involve you. Ill find my Robin Hood, my Prince, my Knight, my King. But until then.
Catch me if you can.
