Im so sick of this hell Im living. I want to cut so badly. Im 5 days clean, cz I cut on last Tuesday but Im good for right now. But tonight might be a different story. Im sick of living with hate from my brother and his friends. I hate going to meets and all the swim kids make fun of me. Thats why I dont go to his practices anymore. And my mum's oblivious. I quit because I was never going to be good enough nor would I ever live up to my amazing brothers skills. He was in Lane 6 and I was in lane 2-3. And that got me hate from his friends and some of the seniors. That hurt.
So I quit. I couldnt take the hate from people. But now I get hate from people who I dont even know. I get some of the worst names sent to me and its almost like thanks for the whole ruining any happiness I had. Plus then Marc gets to make fun of me upstairs for stuff I didnt even do and boom. Time to sit in my room and cry. And I would call Cani, but I'm too much of a waste of space and a burden to ask for help. As soon as I can. Im moving out of this hell hole. I hate it here, with my dad blowing up at me and my mum not doing anything when Marc makes fun of me or stuff I like.
She only laughs when he makes fun of the music I listen to. I like some alt. bands and rock and roll, but I get my brother who thinks its funny to insult me. And besides, I'm apparently the bully. I apparently am brringing down his self-esteem. Since when have you cared about my slef-esteem? Sure I say I don't care but I do. I care so much at 12 at night when Im alone with my thoughts and a razor. When Im in my bed crying my eyes out because Im a horrible person adn I dont deserve to live. Because I deserve to feel pain and feel like shit and I ma worthless.
I dont deserve the friends I have. I deserve to have people hate me. Who would love someone like me? who would ever care about something as worthless as me? I dont deserve to be loved, or cared for. I'm not even a good friend. Im a piece to shit and I don't even have the strength to be able to tell my friends whats going on. Im a fucking loser.
Im a loser, a wimp, worhtless, a piece of shit, a freak, a pointless being, I'm not worth others time. I dont deserve to be on this planet or even in this goddamn world. I dont deserve to have friends, I dont deserve to be loved, to be cared for. Im a waste of time and space and money.
