TRIGGER WARNING PLEASE PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF THIS TRIGGER WARNING
I wanted to point this out as I have been seeing some rather sad stuff on my dash, that I remember being some of my inspiration to be thin and be pretty.
The pictures of girls with thigh gaps used to trigger me. I would have full blown out panic attacks because I didn’t look like them. If you have one, great! If you don’t, great! But they did trigger me. I remember that I cooked a bowl of pasta for me and I couldn’t eat it, I was having a panic attack. I called my friend and she sat there talking to me for a long time, calming me down. Thank you.
The pictures of girls with blood running down their wrists or pictures of people who could circle their wrist with their hands would trigger me. Blood triggered me. Sharp objects triggered me. My hands are tiny (anyone who knows me IRL knows that) so therefore I would always try to circle my wrist, and when I could do it, I would tell myself that to do that meant skipping meals, or working out.
Now i want you all to realize something. I am not someone who is always happy, or always down. I am someone who floats between the two. I am slowly getting better, with support from my friends. Thats it. My family could care less.
You are not worth your weight. You are not defined by what you identify as, what you look like, what your sexual orientation is. You are defined by your self worth.
And I know that its hard to think of how much you like yourself. I personally still dislike myself. But I have sat there and said to myself that if I want to live, then I need to try my hardest.
Because I brought so much pain to my friends and my non-biological twin (yes you dragon). I made my friends worry about wether or not I was going to survive the night. I refused to help myself, so they tried their hardest too help me. They tried to fix me from one side. I remember one day, my friend Kaericia went over to me and said, “I want you to know that I care. Because you look so down, so suicidal, that I am actually scared”. And I of course covered it up, but looking back, that meant so much to me. My friend calling me crying because I asked her if she would promise to not forget me. I will never, NEVER do that again.
If you ever feel as down as I was, I want you to know something. That there will always be an upside to the battle. There is a lighter dark, I promise. You just have to hold on until you can get there. And you know what? I’m proud of you for making it this far. I know its hard, and I know its tough. But its true.
The path I took myself on was so self-destructive. It destroyed my image of myself, it destroyed relationships I had with people. I became obsessed with losing weight. I became obsessed with my death. I became so withdrawn that I never came out of my shell.
That path has destroyed my confidence, my self-image, my self worth. But it has also made me stronger, and more defined in my beliefs.
This path isn’t beautiful, or poetic, or romantic. This path is hell, the lowest of the low. This path will take all of your relationships and throw them away. This path will take your love for anyone and twist it into something so hurtful that you only see bad.
And I never, never want any of you to think that having a thigh gap is important, or being 122 pounds is important. Or that you are alone. Because its not. I am always here to talk. I am always open, I never shut my ask box. I will answer you.
You are not that thigh gap. You are not your scars. You are not your weight. You are not those 5 pounds that you lost, and now you want to lose 5 more.
You are the laughter that you have. The smiles. You are the music that you love. You are not defined by anyone else but yourself.
Here’s to my friends that stuck by me when I was the lowest I have ever been. Here’s to the girls and boys that put up with my shit attitude and my refusal to take off my sweater. Here's to my girlfriend who was first my big sis, for sticking by me and not letting me doubt myself. Here’s to the sisters that I have found and have stuck by me. Here’s to my true family. Here’s to life.
Cheers
