I really can't see why people think I am worth something. I'm a loser, a disapointment, a freak, a piece of shit, a worthless little girl, a sad girl, a wierdo, nothing, pointless. I want to just give up and never leave my room. Ever. I want to sit in my room and not let anyone in. I want to let others fight battles and me sit there and be alone. I want to sit in a dark room and have nothing happen to me at all. I want to be nothing.
I want people to see how much their pain hurts me. I want people to be ashamed of being horrible to people. I want people to realize that bullying isnt a joke. I want to be free of all the burdens I have to carry and be able to step out into the sun and say 'fuck you' to every one who has been rude, cruel, or horrid to me.
But I can't. I'm scared to. I'm scared of being shut down,kicked, shunned, and insulted again. I don't want to have to hide, but I do, I hide behind a wall of my emotions. I put them to one side, and wait until I can cry myself away in my room. I wait until I find someone who cares enough to put up with my ramblings and stupidity.
But i know better. I know that no one is gonna save me, so I gotta save myself. I know that the people who cared about me are still there, caring. But I wish I didn't have to lean on their shoulders to help me stand. I wish I didn't have to be the one to cry on their shoulders and them to tell me its okay.
No matter what, I love my friends. And they will always have a special place in my heart, reserved just for them. Remember that and everything will end as it is suppose to.
Guidance counslers tell you that 'everything will be fine' and that 'it will get better'. It never will. I will still feel that I am worthless, that I am not meant to be here, that I can never make it better. I will have nightmares every night, and I will wake up and think of my friends facing life without me and cry. But thats okay. Because I know that its normal for me now.
Ever since I told my friends about my amazing fail, oh that another thing I am. A failure. Back to it. Ever since then, I have had nightmares and everything. I'm surprised that I haven't woken my friends up when I slept over their house with me waking up, jumping out of my skin.
And I know that I should have woken Canisa up when I woke up in the middle of the night, but I couldn't. I couldn't sit there and have her hug me and tell me that I am wonderful and me sit there and know that I'm not.
Love you all lots.
Night
