I Need A Map, Sir

Chapter 16

Chapter 16.

I let my eyes flutter open, I felt revived after a good nights sleep. I was tangled up with Ryan as he held me almost protectively, we both much have moved in the night. I watched as his eyes flickered open and a small smile found its way onto his lips but, just as quickly as it appeared it disappeared as if he'd remembered everything. 

"You ok?" I asked him as I sat up. His eyes began filling with water and overflowed down his cheeks onto his unshaven face. 

"I don't know." He croaked out, he sat up and pulled me into a tight hug burying his face into the crook of my neck. I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head onto his. His lips kissed the bare skin of my shoulder lightly. I just held him knowing nothing I say would be able so console him. I remembered when people would try and explain how it would get better, the nurses of the rehab mainly, how that I'd get over it but do you ever really get over your mother dying? I was certain most of the employees of the rehab had even felt an inch of the pain I was going through, I felt alone, nobody could console me. In time I came to realise that everyone feels the pain of grief in life, I wasn't alone, others felt the way I felt. I just had to hope that Ryan would come to this realisation faster than I had. I wish I could take the pain he was feeling away, I wish I could feel it for him, just him being in pain put me in pain. 

Eventually we both climbed out of his bed and while he went for a shower, with the door unlocked, I made us lunch, it was already three in the afternoon. I put two jacket potatoes on to cook in the microwave whilst two eggs boiled on the hob and I mixed together some tuna with cucumber, mayonaise and tomato. One of my all time favourite meals. Up there with Chicken Tikka Masala and Burgers. 

Ryan walked into the kitchen fully cloathed just as I was sprinkling mounds of cheese onto the potatoes. He was dressed in grey jogging bottoms and a plain white t-shirt, smelling absaloutely devine. I was just in another one of his white t-shirts.

"Hi." I smiled as I placed his plate in front of him at the table. I took a seat beside him with my plate.

"Hi." He smiled back and we began to eat the lunch I'd prepared. I smiled as the meal hit a spot and calmed my cravings for potato. We ate in a comfortable silence before I got up and cleaned the plates and he disappeared into the front room. 

I walked into the living room to see him sat on the sofa with his head in his hands. I lowered myself down beside him and rested my head on his shoulder. 

"I still think you should talk to someone." I whispered unsure of what his reaction would be. 

"How can I talk to someone about how I feel when I don't even know myself." He sighed as he lifted his head up to look at me. I sat up and took his hand in mine. 

"Trust me, I felt exactly the same. It gets harder before it gets easier. Eventually though, you come to the realisation that you're not alone, that other people feel the same, and that is what will push you through. I'm always here for you but I just feel if you take some time out at a rehab then you'll feel a whole lot better then we can cope with it together. Rather than what you're doing now, isolating yourself."

"Can't I just talk to you?" He asked with a tone of desperation in his voice which made it obvious to me that I was getting through.

"You can, of course you can, but I'm just a eightteen year old girl and a proffesional can help you."

"No more than you can!"

"Probably a lot more. I'm dealing with stuff too and in the end we might trigger each other whilst you're trying to recover. They'll help you deal with coming off the drugs whereas I can't, I can't guarentee that you're in a safe enviroment and I can't watch you twenty-four-seven. They can."