Her and Her Unofficial Love Affairs

PROLOGUE

I haven't written for so long. For three years, I've been insensitive to my sentiments and I've been suppressing my emotions. It's not that I like it or dislike it. It's just because I chose it. I chose not to feel anything. I chose not to touch my soul and I do not allow my soul to be touched.

I've been hiding from the real world, I've been tired. I just wanted to free my mind together with my soul from any complexities. Yes, indeed I've succeeded for a long time until one fine afternoon came that changed everything.

I was walking alongside with my girl friend downtown. We were just pretty enjoying ourselves. You know, doing girl stuff – talking which always leads to gossiping, passing windows of shops, scrutinizing boutique displays, checking who's the month's cover girl of Cosmopolitan, eating vanilla-flavored ice cream, sashaying to make boys' heads turn – just silly little things young single ladies do.

As we were about to cross a street, a red sedan passed us by. Suddenly, my world turned in slow motion. Driving the car was none other than the man who always brings the intensity to shake my well-shielded universe. I stood there frozen just watching him, hoping against hope that he'll see me too. Everything else was a blur including the horns of cars were unheard. It was as if I was on trance with only him who's visible to my eyes. The car glided smoothly until I just suddenly noticed only its wheel prints on the street. He did not see me.

As I've come into my senses, I looked at my friend. She looked at me too. Without any word, without a smile, without a nod, we looked away from each other and proceeded to cross the street. It was just like we've come to a silent agreement not to talk about it and to pretend that nothing happened. I appreciated her for doing so for I'm the kind of person who just ignores unlikable circumstances for unwanted feelings not to come.

So, we continued into our search for a pair of black stilettos that will match my friend's little black dress which she'll wear to a wedding. Why black? Because it's her ex-boyfriend's wedding! At first, I really didn't agree for her to witness the wedding. But she wanted to. Of course, she was invited. And of course, she will not go there out of courtesy to the invitation or to mess up as she had promised never to do. But she will go there to confront reality and to face the truth. According to her, if she'll face the truth, acceptance will come. Unlike me, the truth is so clear as crystal in front of me but still I'm in denial.

I'm in denial of everything. I've always been in denial! I always keep my eyes close to reality. I don't accept the truth because I know deep down that I'm defeated. I'm already defeated! I've been a weakling for a long, long time. I've been keeping a love that has long been dead. I've been depriving myself from the truth that the man I've always loved has never loved me back.