Remember for me

Chapter twenty two:

"You said yes!?"

"Do you actually get married?!"

"Obviously not, stupid. Or we wouldn't be here"

"And she wouldn't be married to Dad"

"She could've gotten a divorce, dumbass"

"Shut up Bailey"

"Yeah, ship up and let Mom tell the rest of the story"

Watching her children squabble was déjà-vu for Meredith. It reminded her of various play dates gone wrong and toys that weren't meant to be shared. She smiled at all the memories she soon wouldn't have.

*************************************

Meredith's POV:

That night was hard for me. I didn't know how to tell Mark I was pregnant, because I didn't want him to think I only said yes because I was pregnant. Which, was basically the reason I said yes.

I love Mark, I do, but I don't think he's ready to be a Dad. I'm not ready to be a Mom. And when I finally become a Mom, I want it to be with someone I love to the moon and back, no conditions. I just don't love Mark that much.

I also longingly think of how badly I want those future babies to have thick, black hair and shining blue eyes. But, I do what I always do. I push Derek from my mind and I keep thinking of what I have, not what I want.

I have Mark, I have something so incredibly amazing, but i can't appreciate it because he isn't what I want.

Getting married, having a baby, none of that is what I want.

But people plan, and life happens. So I have to keep on going, and deal with what I have. Be grateful I'm not alone and depressed.

I push back the piece of my mind that says alone is better than depressed and with someone as the door bell rings.

Sighing, I stand up and answer the door to see Derek's grim face. He doesn't look happy, hell, he knows what it's like to be stuck in a crappy marriage. And I'm on my way there. Mark and I are going to be Derek and Addison 2.0.

The thought of that makes me shudder.

"Can I help you?" I ask Derek. I'm tired, I'm exhausted. I'm so damn tired, but I don't want Marks arms to hold me after a long day. I want Derek's. Seeing him is so hard, I want to cry. Whether the pain in my stomach is from seeing him or a pregnancy side effect I won't ever know.

"Meredith I love you" Derek says "I never said it but I do, and I know that you love me too. I'll leave Addison, you can leave Mark. Let's be together, let's get married. I want you to be my world" he pauses and smiles "hell, you already are my world. I want to see you in a white dress, walking to meet me down an aisle. I want to hold your hand when you have my children, I want to sit with you when we get old and grey. Meredith Grey, I am hopelessly in love with you and I need you to know that"

I look at him, shocked. Words don't come, I can't breathe or speak or move.

"I can't" I finally say. My mouth is as dry as sand paper, and my muscles are locked. My lungs feel like their a million pounds, and each breath is another pound added on. My heart drums a beat as fast as lighting in my chest, hitting my ribs with a steady thump thump thump.

"Why" Derek states, more as an answer than a question. Like he's questioning the world, or God or whatever big force is controlling us. Like he's a kid being punished, but he can't tell what for.

I feel like I owe him an explanation. I can't just turn him away, I can't. I have enough willpower to do whatever I want, but the one thing I know I can't ever bring myself to do is hurt Derek. He makes me melt, and I know if he asks why I damn well will end up giving him an answer.

I don't know what to tell him, I can't find words to fit. I can't talk, I can barely breathe. So, I point to my stomach. "Because of this"

It takes Derek a moment to register what I'm telling him, but as soon as I rub soothing circles on my stomach he gets it. Because the way I'm rubbing my belly is the same way I've seen Christina and Bailey rub theirs.

"You're pregnant" he looks stunned, and for a moment I think he's just going to leave. No man in Gods right mind would still want a woman carrying someone else's baby. I wouldn't want him to.

"I'll stay. I'll raise Marks baby" he says simply "I'll be there to help, to hold your hand in labor and watch that baby take her first steps, I want to be there and I want you. If Mark Sloans baby is part of the package, I'll do it" he sounds so determined, so naive.

"No Derek" I shake my head "I want you to love me, I want you to love me so much it hurts. But if you stick around while I have Marks baby you won't love me" I tell him.

"I'll always love you" he states indefinitely.

"No, Derek. You'll begin to despise me. I'll get fat and cranky and I won't want to be around you some days. I'll take all my hormones out on you. And you'll wonder why you have to deal with it and not Mark, after all it is his kid. Then, when my baby is born, she'll cry. She won't shut up. You'll be tired, exhausted, you'll wonder why you have to mix bottles and change diapers and stay up until all hours with a kid that isn't even yours. You'll wonder why you have to do all the heavy lifting while Mark gets away unscathed yet again. My child will grow, and terrible twos will start. You'll deal with tantrums and screaming and yelling and crying. You will be so damn tired of busting your ass for a kid that has not an ounce of your DNA. Eventually I won't be enough anymore and you'll have to leave. People will call you the bad guy for leaving me, a single mom with a small child. They're talk, like you're at fault. You'll despise me for turning you into someone like that, someone who leaves. And right now, you're standing here offering to care for my baby and I. But you don't want my baby, you only want me. You want the love of your life, and Mark Sloans baby isn't what your signing up for" I tell him, rubbing my temples "love won't win if you spend the rest of your life miserable"

He looks at me, processing what I've said. He knows I'm right, because I could be carrying anyone else's baby and he wouldn't care. But it isn't just anyone's, it's Marks. The man who ruined his marriage is now ruining his life.

Derek nods, and kisses my forehead "I will be miserable without you, but hating myself for not fighting harder for you, for trying to prove you wrong on all of this, is easier than hating you for something that's far from your fault"

As I watch the love of my life walk out the front door, I wonder if maybe I'll be miserable the rest of my life too.

A/n- agh I love this chapter. The big ol Meredith speech is awesome.

Sorry it's been a whole week, but I have zero time. School sucks. I'll definitely update once a week for sure tho.

Vote, comment, check out my other stories!

~Dai