Remember for me

Chapter thirty five:

"What happened to the baby? I mean did you bury him?"Bailey asked.

Meredith shook her head no. "We had him cremated. I kept the urn with his ashes in a trunk in my closet until Mark died thirty odd years ago"

"Where did you put them when Mark died?" Zola asked.

"We put the urn in Marks casket so he could be buried with his baby. That way he wouldn't be alone once he got wherever he was going. He'd have Michael" Meredith wiped a stray tear that pooled down her cheek.

"I'm sorry Mom" Lexie said sympathetically. "I can't imagine"

"It was a long time ago, baby girl" Meredith said, trying to reassure her children "I'm okay now, but losing a baby never really gets better. You just stick a bandage on it and ignore it, move on"

"You were the best Mom ever" Ellie said "and Michael was lucky to have a Mom as great as you, even if it was only for twenty eight weeks"

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Meredith's POV:

1 year later

"Happy birthday dear Pj, Happy birthday to you!" We sang at Pjs first birthday. He was wearing a blue party hat and looked extremely displeased.

He looked like Christina, and he definitely had her attitude.

Christina and Burke smiled happily as they blew out the candles on the birthday cake. Christina was an amazing Mother, and an extraordinary surgeon. She worked late, but she was always home when Pj got up and went to sleep, even if it was only an hour long break she was taking from work.

Watching my best friend hold her son made me notice the emptiness in my own arms. Instead of a smiling baby boy, I was holding a giant wrapped set of plastic Tonka trucks. And while it made me sad, I was okay. I cried a bit an hour before the party, but I was okay.

"How are you holding up?" Derek asked, as he came up behind me.

I sighed, and leaned into his warm embrace. "I'm okay. About as okay as I can be anyway. But I'm happy for Christina and Burke and Pj"

Derek smiled and kissed my forehead. "You're always so strong, I don't know how you do it"

I thought back to the months immediately following Michaels birth and death day. I couldn't even look at Pj, because every time I did I was reminded of what I lost. When Bailey had Tuck, things got worse. But things turned around one day, about two months after Michaels passing.

I hadn't spent time with any babies, which meant Christina made an effort to keep little Pj away from me until I was completely okay. But one day, it was in mid July, Christina stopped by to drop off some lasagna Burke made (she knew I loved his lasagna) and she had Pj with her.

I didn't freak out, or yell or cry. I was just kinda sad. Christina then said she had to use the washroom quickly before she left. She handed me Pj so fast, I couldn't say no. She promised she'd be two seconds and then she left for the washroom.

I held Pj, and I felt sad. Sad at the loss of my baby and sad that I couldn't be a Mother to a sweet little baby.

But then, little two month old Pj, looked up and me with a sparkle in his eyes and a smile on his little lips. And I smiled too. Because this little baby, who only knew I wasn't fond of him, smiled at me. He was happy even though he basically had no reason to be. He was stuck in the arms of a tear stained, broken woman who barely wanted to look at him and yet he smiled.

Things got better after that. It only took that one little baby smile for things to get so much better.

So I guess Derek was right, I was strong. I made it through the past year and I was okay. I even found it in myself to be happy for my friend and her adorable little family.

"As long as I have you I'll be okay" I answer, smiling.

A/n- CROWEN FIC IS POSTED! I posted it right after this chapter, so go check it out!!!!!!

Epilogue is next :( but I promise it's happier. Might be a tad short but it's sweet.

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CHECK OUT THE CROWEN FIC!!!!

Thanks for reading!!!

~Daisy