Jayes is Jill and Hayes' ship name!
Jill's POV
@JillWatts: Jayes is no longer a thing. I'm sorry. Love you guys.
That tweet was 3 months ago. It's been 3 months since all of this. Hayes is supposed to be back. I don't know when. And I sure don't care.
It's been 3 months and I haven't been on Twitter since. People actually think I'm dead. I feel like it. Sometimes I wish I didn't wake up in the morning.
I've cried too much and I don't want to, but I still do.
Is it weird but through all the bullshit he's put me through, I still love him?
My sister left last week. She actually thinks I'm fine without Hayes. I swear she does.
- flashback -
"Who did that to you? Who fucked you up so bad, emotionally, and mentally that you've completely shut down anyone who tries to help you! You don't talk about your feelings, you push people away, and you let negative things take over your mind!! You refuse to open up and let someone love and care for you. Just like you did to me, Elizabeth, and Sky. Who fucking did that to you?" Rachel spats.
"Him," I say, letting a small laugh escape from my lips, "And you know the funny thing out of all of this?"
"What?" Rachel asks.
"I still love him," I state.
"You think he's what makes the sun shine, but darling he's not. He's what makes your eyes water and your eyes red. He's the thoughts in your head that rips you apart, my god, I know you love him but he's killing you."
"I wanted to call him," I said, "just to see how he is doing. But you can't do that. You can't talk to someone who held your heart in the palm of their hand and pretended it never happened. I wanted to ask why it was so hard to get over him. I wanted to know if he felt like knives in his sides like I did. I wanted to know if he ever felt lonely when he was listening to music, or if things reminded him of the memories we made. I wanted to say that I couldn't remember the sound of him saying my name anymore and sometimes that scared me but I knew it was important, and that our last kiss wasn't anything like the movies, that it was so brief that the wind had swept it all away before I'd had a chance to save the memory. I wanted to explain how I'd forgotten everything apart on how he made me feel, like I could do anything, like love wasn't just for a perfect couple, like love could also be for me. So my God I wanted to call him, but instead I sat on the tile floor and cried till my eyes were red and my vision was blurry. To be honest, I don't think he loves me or do I even love him? I suppose you have to love someone to miss them like that; like hell, like absolute-fucking hell."
Rachel stays silent as she just looks at me.
"After him," I say looking at Rachel, "hell should be easy."
- end of flashback -
We're teenagers. We should be on our phones. I'm not. Mine is in my drawer fully charged with it turned off. Hayes would blow up my phone and I don't want that.
I wish I never met Hayes Benjamin Grier. I wish I still lived in California. I wish none of this happened. I could have a normal life. I wouldn't have to experience love till I got older. I wouldn't have to experience heartache. I wouldn't have to experience any of it. But sadly, I did.
"Where are you going?"
"Out for a jog. Are you okay with that?" I ask, softly.
"Yeah, that's fine. Sky is at daycare so have fun doing your jog."
