Letters to Matt

Dear Matt,

Trust is a hard thing to earn.  You and I both know that.  So why you would keep her a secret, I can't understand.  Here's how it happened: first, I saw that you had deleted all of your messages with her.  Then, I open your computer to watch Friends and it says her Skype is online.  So when I click on her name, and figure that there won't be anything, I am devastated to find out that you've been video chatting with her constantly.  

So, I check my Skype.  September 21st, Call started at 9:55.  Then I check hers: September 21st, Call ended at 9:54.  "Well that's sketchy..."  I think to myself.  But you keep telling me how you'd never date her because she's fifteen and you're turning nineteen and you're already happy and she means nothing.  And you act like she's annoying you; and you act like you're ignoring her; and then I see that that might not actually be the case.  

When you realize what I've seen, you start making up excuses.  And when I say "It's fine.  I don't even really care." you finally stop trying.  So we lie in the hammock in this awkward silence watching Friends.  And you try to hold my hand but it's stiff.  And your heart rate quickens and I can feel it tapping me on my shoulder as if it were it's own person; so you put your hand over it, separating me and your chest in hopes I won't fell it.  But I do.  And now there's a slight shaking and you're no longer watching Friends, you're looking out into the distance.  And I want so badly just to ask you what you're looking at.  But I just can't pull away from my pride and my anger to make sure you are okay.  And I don't need to ask.  I know what you are thinking.  I know what your fear is at that moment in time.  I know that you are afraid that you have just lost me.  

So you pause the video.  You stand up and you take my hand.  And you say "Come take a walk with me.  Let's talk."  So we go into the backyard and sit on the lawn chairs.  And we talk.  And you say the same things you've been saying.  And I say I'm fine.  I say "I'm okay."  You argue that this is why you told me not to read your messages with her.  Because "you wouldn't understand.  You'll misinterpret it."  You claim that I am always reading your messages. And I have to explain to you that I have never done so without your permission; and even then, it was only once.  I logged into your Facebook once, and I felt so guilty that I logged back out.  Didn't read a single thing.  Besides.  These weren't messages.  These were video calls that you were keeping from me that ended right when I called.  

"I didn't tell you cause I didn't want you to freak out like this."  Great excuse.  But now I've found out.  "I was hoping you wouldn't."  Even better.  I left my best guy friend behind because you were worried.  And this is what I get in return.  "Please forgive me."  I forgive you.  "I don't forgive myself."  I forgive you.  By the end of the night, it won't matter anyways.  I'll get over it.  "I don't want you to just get over it."  That's what I do best.  "I don't want you to do that."  I forgive you.  It doesn't matter anymore.  

So we go back upstairs.  And I lie back in the hammock and you join me after a few minutes.  But instead of watching friends, you hold onto me.  "I don't want to lose you.  I can't imagine my life without you in it.  I don't want to lose you.  If I have to start over my trust with you I will.  I'll start all over to make it right with you."  You won't lose me.  I'm not going anywhere.  It's okay.  I'm right here.  You're not losing me anytime soon.

But even though I forgave you, and you're not losing me, it still hurts.  And I haven't been able to truly move on.  This time, I couldn't just 'get over it'.  So tell me.  What do I do?  I don't want to start over.  There are no true do-overs in life.  And besides, it took us six months to get to where we are...  I'm not exactly sure what to do now.  But it's killing me pretending that I'm alright.  I'm sorry but I'm just not.

I still love you forever,

~~Kit