Letters to Matt

Dear Matt, (Part II of the Party)

I woke back up at 3AM.  I was supposed to wait for you to get home from dropping people off, but I was too mad and tired.  I tried to clean a little while I waited but you took so long to get back.  I would've been worried, but it takes a while to get to these peoples home and back.  So I went to sleep.  But at 3AM, when I woke back up, you were sitting over me, hyperventilating.  I didn't know what was wrong.  What had happened while you were gone?  You tried to explain that the car broke down past town and you hitched halfway, but had to run the rest.  You couldn't catch your breath.  You were breathing so heavily and quickly that I didn't know what to do.  I tried to calm you down but nothing would work.  You passed out and hit your head and I didn't know what to do.  At least you had stopped breathing so hard...I could just go to sleep.  But I knew you needed to wake back up.  I knew I had to check for a concussion.  You woke up in 5 seconds anyways.  I quickly did a concussion check, you were fine.  I got you water.  And then some more water.  And I realized you had somehow managed to write a note for your dad.  Luckily, he was up.  He followed me back to the room and tried to help me calm you down.  When you were finally calm again, and lying in bed, I went to use the bathroom, knowing you were now okay.  But when I got back, you were sitting in your desk chair, staring angrily at the mirror and pointing at your reflection.  "Matt?"  What was going on?  You slowly got up and walked to the mirror, still pointing.  Then you placed both hands on either side of the mirror.  What were you doing?  Were you about to bust your head in the mirror?  Were you going to try and fight yourself?  I didn't know what was going on.  So I slipped between your arms and in front of the mirror.  "Look at me.  Not at the mirror, right at me."  You were looking at me, but past me.  You weren't focused in on me.  "Matt, look at me.  I love you.  I'm right here.  I'm not going anywhere.  Look at me."  Clarity came over you as you looked at me.  I carried you back to the bed and held you close.  "I'm never letting go.  I'm keeping you around.  You're mine.  Forever."  I was so relieved to hear that.  The anger didn't matter as much.  "You keep me safe.  You make me better.  I'm sorry.  You make me better..."  

The next morning, you told me what you were thinking, when you were staring at the mirror like you wanted to kill it.  "Get your shit together.  Kit needs you.  Get it together."  

I tried to get rid of the pain that came so harshly before.  From her messages to me, from you telling me to apologize, all of it.  But even when I forgave you, even when I knew you loved me more than her, it still hurt.  And it will keep hurting...

Fix me....?

Forever?

Love you forever,

~~Kit