Letters to Matt

Dear Matt,

I'm trying.  I'm trying to keep you happy, which is really an impossible job when you are always angry. I'm trying to not worry when you say you're gonna go hard Friday AND Saturday night; so hard you'll have to crash at your moms office instead of going home.  I'm tying to not say something stupid, which as you can tell is difficult seeing everything that comes out of my mouth is just endless stupidity.  I'm trying to not accidentally overreact by breaking, but things are already adding on.  I'm trying to keep to myself how much you're hurting my feelings each time you snap because I did something absentmindedly, but crying in bed every night, silently in case someone walks by, is really hurting my presence during the day.  I'm trying to not bother you by texting you, cause you said you wanted a stress free weekend--without me--and I try to not text you in the morning to tell you "good morning" and "I dreamt about you again last night", but then I'd have to also admit how my dreams are just as painful as the day; just as tiring as trying to keep you happy when you will be angry either way.  I want you to stay, and you said you would, but every time you text me or get angry again, I'm afraid you'll change your mind.  I want you to stay, but I'm just so tired; not of you!  Never of you!  I love you with all that I am!  How I wish I could hate you...  And even as I write this, I'm trying to hold back the already leaking out tears, and if you left they'd fall out like bullets.  But you're making it so hard for me...my heart hurts all the day.  When I pass a car and it doesn't hit me, my heart hurts even more.  And I told you I wanted to drink this weekend, too, and you told me "it'd finally let you loosen up."  How can I be loose though, when all I do is try to take care of you...even when you don't want me to...even when I don't want to...even when I'm just so damn tired.....

On Monday...When I was "insane", I woke up at 4am, sick to my stomach, and scared to death to tell you what I know is both of our biggest fears at this moment in time.  So I kept it to myself, cause everything I say messes up.  But instead of telling you, I went crazy overthinking.  What if he doesn't love me as much now?  Will he love me less then?  So when you said you loved me just the same as you did a year ago, I was terrified it would vanish completely.  So I'm sorry I overreacted.  I was terrified of telling you what was really bothering me.  But hey, at least it was just a scare.  Nothings really there...Is there anything left here?

Love you forever...

~~Kit