Letters to Matt

Dear Matt,

That's. Not. Fair.

It's my life. You can't make a decision for me. You can't decide to leave so that I can "have a life". You were my life. We always talked about traveling the world together. I don't care if you're a captain on a cruise ship. I can still see a future, even if you can't. And it's a beautiful future.

I get it. You love me enough to let me go. But the other part of this relationship is me. And that's where my choice comes in. And my choice is to veto your break up.

You deserve to be happy. No one should be alone. I told you already. I'm a ride or die. If you have five cents to your name, or five million dollars. That goes with your job, too. If you have a desk job where I get to see you often, or a captains job on a cruise ship where we see each other in passing times and you're exhausted but happy. I'll help you achieve whichever you choose. Let me.

Your dad says that this is your task and not mine. That it's the "ultimate test of courage", to do it alone. But I think that if you're giving up on love in order to achieve it, you just gave up that title of "Courageous". In fact, it earns you "Coward" and I've only ever called you that once; and I didn't mean it. But this is a mistake that will earn you that name.

This is a mistake that you have made before and regretted, realizing your mistake. Cody says that girls understand love right away. They know when it's real and solid. Guys don't realize it till they leave. You had that realization before. Did you lose it? Or are you really doing this out of love? He thinks you're gonna regret this. And so do I.

You said you might come back later in life, but I'm not gonna wait around for you this time. If someone comes while you're trying to achieve this dream, I'm not gonna say no. No matter how much I love you, I won't pine over you. I want you to achieve this dream and I wish you the best in life, I just wish I could have been a part of achieving that dream. I wish I was part of that dream.

I think that one day, you're gonna be a great father, and an even better husband. When you love, you love hard. The moments leading up to your leaving doesn't make sense, but I suppose there's nothing more I can do. I want you to know, though, that I'm not sad that I broke up with my boyfriend, my first love, I'm sad cause I've lost my best friend.

I wish you'd come back, but you probably won't even read this...so Goodnight Moon, Goodnight You.

I've loved you with every bit of me.

~~KitKat