Letters to Matt

Dear Matt,

Well, in 13 days, we'll have been dating for a year.  But today marks an even bigger day, in my opinion. It marks the first day I met you, technically speaking.  It marks the day I broke into my friends house to save her, and you called to check up on her.  The amount of fear I felt that day is inconceivable; fear I might lose my friend, fear I'd be too late, fear and adrenaline trying to find a way in, and then, fear that I might fall for you and get hurt...

Along the road, we've both gotten hurt.  In the beginning of our relationship, I hurt you with more inward fears.  Fear I wasn't good enough, fear I was just in the way of true happiness, fear of my first relationship not meaning anything.  From month 1-6, my fear was based on you and your bike.  Fear you'd fall and I'd be left alone, fear you'd be hurt and I wouldn't be able to do anything, fear you'd get so hurt, and be hurt before you knew the extent of my love for you.  6 months in, I had a minor accident and you felt all those fears for me, so we let fear and adrenaline take us to a new level of love.  7 months you realized that this was your longest relationship yet, and that when people believe that they can be happy forever, things break; so you started to push away.  Fear you'd be like your parent, fear you'd be miserable, fear that those 7 months of fighting for each other meant nothing; and we fought like hell.  9 months you pushed again.  No one knows why.  You told me reasons, but you also didn't mean them, just wanted to hurt me enough that I would give up on you, like everyone else.  But I wasn't going to accept it.  My best friend of 9 months wasn't going to leave my life so easily.  You had fear of our future at university, fear of not being good enough, fear of everything--and yet--nothing.

Yesterday, I asked if you loved me.  "I mean, I know you love me, but do you love me the more, the same, or less?"  The same.  That scares me.  The same.  A year later and you don't love me more, you love me just the same.  Khalese explained to me that maybe you meant you still feel that spark you felt the first time you saw me, and I'd love to see it that way, too; maybe you did mean it that way.  But when I hear "the same", I think of mediocrity.  Our love has been mediocre.  And I hate that.  That's my fear right now.  That our love is mediocre.  My love for you grows more and more each day, but yours just stays the same.  You say you can see a future with me, but if love is at the same place, never growing, just a numbing happiness that doesn't actually make you feel anything, how can we move on to something else?

I had a nightmare last night.  I dreamt you fell for my friend of mine, that in my "insanity" as you called it, you fell for her.  Told her to talk to me, to calm me down, to come back, but you were falling for her all the while.  My dream encircles my never ending fear...that I'm not good enough, and someone better will show up, and I'll be dumped on the ground.  Left alone.  And I know that it's all in my head, but when I overthink, don't call me insane, help me through it.

I apologized last night.  I told you how I hate going to bed without fixing a fight because, what if one of us don't wake up again, and those words said in anger, that last fight, is the last thing the other remembers of us.  All the regret we would feel.  So I told you how sorry I am for overreacting.  I know I overreacted.  And no matter what, I love you.  And you read it.  But that's all.  I don't know what I expected.  In a perfect world, you'd forgive me and apologize to me for calling me insane.  You'd say you didn't mean it, you just knew it would hurt, so you said it.  You knew I had heard it last week from a boy I used to like and called my friend and brother, and this week, hearing it from you, after you really did have an insane ex-girlfriend, you knew it would hurt; but you didn't actually mean it.  In a more realistic world, you wouldn't realize how much that word hurt me, you would have forgotten that Jonathan had called me insane last week; or that my fear is becoming as "insane" as your ex.  So maybe you wouldn't apologize, but you'd say something.  "I forgive you", "I love you", "It's okay. Just...."  Anything.  But I heard nothing back from you.  And I tossed and turned all night.  Wanting to be cuddled back up with you like the weekend before.  I still wait for anything from you.  Any words would be better than nothing.  Especially today, the day we met.  The day I considered you my new best friend.  And you made mistakes within the time of meeting and dating, but at least you apologized when you were wrong, or talked to me, through my overthinking thoughts.

I love you forever....

~~Kit