Letters to Matt

Dear Matt,

I'm finding it hard to actually believe it's done... The longer this break up goes, the more my mind flies to the start, trying to relive it and figure things out. At first I tried to comfort myself by showing myself what a terrible boyfriend you were; but, of course, that was impossible. Instead, my memories stood up for you.

I instead relived our first date. That was the first time we ever danced together, and I'm pretty sure I stepped on your feet at least 4 times. It was the first time we ever stargazed together; the start of our constant love to look at the stars. After that one stargazing night, that was our go-to date. We were always looking up at the night sky. Your name became Moonshine in my phone. Our first date was the first time I had ever been able to sit with someone and spill my guts to them even though we had only ever texted before then. And you made it a point for me to look in your eyes when talking....cause you wanted to see my blue, blue eyes...

I relived our second date, when it was ending, at the ice cream shoppe. I relived the girl telling you to never throw me away, "cause one mans trash is another mans treasure", and you told her you definitely wouldn't throw me away.....confusing that now you have. It became our spot to go, get ice cream before you would go home. End all our dates at this ice cream shoppe.

I relived your sister and her girlfriend coming to visit. It was their last night and you had decided to Skype me so I could hang out with you guys. You were all playing Risk and I think you wanted me to referee cause you were sure that Jess was most definitely cheating! But the night ended rocky with everyone going to their separate rooms. You were a little out of it when we were talking, but I remember everything from that night. I remember you telling me, when you weren't out of it, how you wanted me to be more than your girlfriend. I joked saying "you want me to be your bestest bestest friend EVER?" To which you blushed and said "more than that." So I finally said "fiancé?" Cause wife was too big a word to use. You nodded your head, smiling to yourself. But later that night, when you were out of it, thats when you started to talk on and on and say something about how "we were a different type of couple" "you're a feminist so you should be asking me!" To which I asked, "what should I ask you?" And you told me to ask you to marry me... It took me three times to finally out and say it, cause Jess kept walking in and out randomly. But when I finally did say it, you moved your matching ring from your right hand to your left wedding finger. Jess of course walked back in directly after and asked if you'd go on the porch with her, and I told you to go. When you came back, to my amazement, your ring was still on that finger and you held it up to the camera, with your eyes closed, "is this really happening? Are we really gonna do this?" I wanted to...I really really did. But this is the sort of thing that should happen when you're more in the right mind. It should happen when you'll remember the next day, so I hesitated. You opened your eyes to look at me and said, "Oh....okay." And put the finger back on the right hand. It broke my heart, but as expected, you didn't remember it the next day. My mind now, tries to figure out what was going through your head. Was that something you actually wanted to do? Were you serious about it? Or were you so out of it....that...I don't know, really. It doesn't make sense for you to say something you really don't mean if you're that out of it... I wish Jess and Emma would come back...you seemed more into commitment with them around.

Jaheel says that if you do come back, I should really think about it. And I have... I think that if you come back, I want flowers, chocolates, and...a promise....?

I still love you......forever?

~~Kit