The Aftermath(a post-mockingjay story)

Chapter 10

Peeta POV

Katniss and I dont know what to do anymore. Prim is 8 months old. 2 more to go until her condition is gone. Last night we almost gave up from exhaustion, sadness, fear, guilt. Yesterday, Annie offered to care for Prim while Katniss and I sort our feelings. As soon as Prim is out the door, Katniss breaks down sobbing. I absolutely hate seeing her like this, so I cry too. We just let it all out for what seems like forever. After a long time, I can't cry anymore. My eyes have gone dry. Katniss too. We are so tired we just fall asleep in each others arms and take a nap. Its nice. We dont talk the whole day. We dont want to ruin or change anything between us. Id like to keep it this way. But, as we all know, things change. Sometimes it can turn life around in a postive way. Sometimes after the change is made, all hell breaks loose. What happens next, the latter. Being away from Prim, feeling apart from Katniss, it pushes me over the edge.

I start to feel woozy. But not like how normal people feel when they are woozy. I recognize this feeling all too well. An eposode. I tell Katniss to run, to hide away before it comes on. She takes a quick glance at my eyes and does what she is told. She gets away just in time for her to be safe out of harms way. This time she is not the flower who survived the hurricane. She is the flower that has been miraculously surviving the apocalypse. The apocalypse that is me, our life, what the Capitol caused. Its all their fault. Now I'm full over the edge of insanity. Murderous thoughts cross my mind. Somehow I know I'm still me, deep, deep down inside. No one knows what I feel or think when Im going through this. Not Katniss, not Annie, not Finn, not Prim. They are the only ones that matter now. I still cant process how deep, true love for someone can turn into hatred and bloodlust within a matter of minutes. No one on the face of the Earth will ever know this feeling.

Suddenly, I uncontrollable. I feel my arms swinging around, my fists clenched, my jaw tightened, my body shaking. I know I'm in my own body, yet my soul feels miles away. Somehow, I am stuck here for the longest time Ive ever had in an episode. At least that I am aware of. I am aware that my body goes under extreme stress when I have an episode. It is slowly killing me inside. I can feel my heart breaking when I think of Katniss in bad ways. I feel happy that I will get a chance to kill her, the muttation holding me back from happiness. That is not the real me. The real me is worrying about her safety during these times. I think it, yet I dont know it, feel it, or even acknowledge its presence. This is the sad part. Katniss can see the fear in my eyes without having to question it for a second before the evil thoughts kick in.

The sad part is, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep, deep down, in my uncontrollable phases, she knows I love her and vice versa. There is no other way to describe it. It rains all the time during my episodes, as if my loved ones are sending me a message. 'Keep strong. Fight through it. You need to be strong for your family now. They cant see you like this. Snap out of it!' I hope someone understands this, but they wont have to go theough it themselves, because I cannot explain it any further. A summary of this could be like, when I am the evil side of me, my thoughts take over my body. Yet I know I still am me, I will come back stronger than ever. My murderous thoughts will soon be vanquished by my happier thoughts. I hope Prim will never have to go through this. Yet my evil side says she will. She is my biological daughter. There is a possibility that tracker jacker venom is coursing through her veins, just as it is mine.

I start to calm down, but I dont go to Katniss straight away. I need some alone time. She probably does too. I feel sick to my stomach whenever I know the thoughts that went through my head were just as evil as the person who put them there. Snow. He is responsible for my and Katniss' unhappiness. Yet, she and I both know we cant do anything to help. Even if we could, there wouldn't be much of an impact. We both see the things that are frightening, scary, terrifying, and we both know there is no single word to describe our predicament. We all must learn to accept it. The only known cure for my condition at this point, is to spend as much time with my family before I go completely. Katniss and I will have to marry soon, I hope. I will make sure nothing stands in our way now. No one can stop me now. No one can try to take away our happiness anymore. I will not let that happen.