Never underestimate how much pain somebody has to be in to put a razor to their throat, a gun to their head, or pen to 'that' note.
Anxiety is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow insidious as cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the door
I'm so broken. It has become so obvious. I'm emotionally destroyed and there's nothing ever gets better. I'm so alone in this world that it's my fault for people not liking me. It's my fault. I'm ugly and fat. There is no one to blame but myself. It's so hard because no one knows the real me. No one knows what I have to deal with on a daily basis. No one knows anything about me. People think I'm fine but thats not even close to what I am. Thats just an act. Thats just a lie. People always tell me to "get over it" but how could I get over something so cruel. I will NEVER get over all the cruel words said to me. I will never forget the pain that I was in. I will never forget the pain I was in. I will never forget the night when I was in so much deep pain that I had to grab a razor and glide it across my wrist just so I could get the pain that I deserved. I'll never forget the night I shoved my finger down my throat to make me thinner. I won't forget the day that only a piece of granola was the right amount to eat a day. I won't forget the nights I cried myself to sleep with no one to tell me that it was going to be okay. I won't forget the 40+ cuts all over my body that I did because I was so sad. Don't tell me to "get over it" when you know nothing. Do you think I like being sad? No I don't but this sadness is all I have. This sadness has consumed me. And it's too late to save me from it. And maybe, I don't want to be saved. After a while you begin to love your problems. You fear recovery. When you have struggled for so long, you don't remember life without your inner demons. You don't want to remember. Because without them, who are you?
