I still remember the first time I found out someone I loved had committed suicide
I had just turned seven
Those three words still haunt me
"She killed herself"
Why?
All I could think was why
Why would such a wonderful woman do this to herself?
She smiled and laughed with us every day
I never saw the pain in her eyes
And maybe it was better that way
Maybe it was better when I didn't understand
When I believed a smile when I saw it
And I didn't ever think about looking into her eyes to see the pain she was in
Now I know
I know why she wore long sleeves in the middle of summer
I know why she hesitated every time I reached for her hand
I know why she spent so long in the bathroom
I know why she had bruises all over her body
I know why she hugged me so tight that day
And here I am now
Nearly ten years later
I put on the same daily act as her
I smile for everyone
And then I go home and think about ending it all
Just like her
I now understand the pain she was in
I understand why she faked her way through the days
I understand her choice in ending it
Maybe it was better when I didn't understand
I shouldn't understand
