the first time you cut it won't be that deep, but i promise, things will get worse
you'll find yourself panicking constantly when people look at you and things only get harder as someone points out the cuts or blood you forgot to hide for the first time. you fumble about in your mind and try to come up with a believable excuse.
it'll gradually get deeper. the tiny scratches will turn into huge gashes that take weeks at a time to heal. the kind that leave huge, thick, deep red scars that honestly never quite fade
the depression that you're feeling will slowly get worse and worse as you begin to hate yourself for the pain you're inflicting on yourself. and the more you hate yourself, the more you cut which means you hate yourself more. and soon you're spiralling down deeper and deeper. you can't get out.
do you like wearing short sleeve tops or shorts? well forget that because you are going to have to hide behind jumpers and jeans even in the summer, desperately trying to hide your scars.
do you like swimming? because you won't be able to go anymore because you can't hide your fresh cuts or scars when wearing a swimming costume
have you ever had heat stroke? be prepared because even in our summer weather, wearing jeans and long sleeved t shirts all the time in that heat will come back to bite you!
do you like having money to spend on nice things? well you won't be able too! say hello to spending every last penny on plasters, bandages, anti septic wipes, bio oil and more razor blades. it is never enough.
do you like being open to people? you won't be able to! this thing will consume you, it'll eat you up, close you off and it'll make you hide behind a fake smile and pull down your sleeves over the cuts up your arms.
you won't be able to express your emotion or let people know how you're feeling. you keep everything you feel a secret out of fear you might accidentally mention cutting and then all hell will break loose
or do you like hugging friends?? because that will all change too. it hurts because of every single cut littering your body. you'll be scared to let people hug you incase they feel the bandages or cuts through the fabric of your clothes.
and the time you cut too deep. when you sit on your bedroom floor with a pile of tissues, surrounded by blood and having a panic attack as you desperately try to stop the heavy bleeding. you know you need to get it checked out but no one knows. no one can know, so you just sit there, silently crying, praying to god that you'll get through this
say goodbye to looking at a razor differently. urges never stop, only subside.
it is an illness that will infect your brain and it will never go away, even if you do eventually manage to stop.
once you go down that path, it is ridiculously difficult to leave it.
it is not worth it.
