You asked why I think like this.. so I'll tel you again.
Because, when people leave, they take part of you with them. So many have left, and there's nothing left to take. You can't be sad when you're empty you can't be anything. So, I give everyone an Out because I don't want them to feel guilty when they realize I'm not worth their time.
Because It happens every time. People lose interest in me. They get tired of me. Suddenly, they don't bother talking to me anymore. The conversations become shorter. They forgot about me and I just become a distant memory. I wonder if its my fault sometimes. But then I relize that people never stay in my life. And there's nothing I can do about it.
Because when you're all alone and it's 3 in the morning and you're lying on the floor crying and shaking and wishing it all would end, who's going to be there for you? You. You have to pick yourself up and find the strength to carry on. At the end of the day, you're all you've got.
I hate the fact that as soon as somebody says something that is slightly positive I immediately think they're lying to me. I have really bad trust issues and I'm sorry for having doubts, and this is why nobody stays around. Everyone leaves eventually, just give them time and they will prove this. I always tell myself to give up hope, but I can't give up my true 100% of hope because this is what keeps me going.
I hate that I'm clingy, I just want to make sure that you won't drop me, even though I know this makes me unattractive, its just a coping mechanism and please respect this, even though I know you won't. It's just that sometimes I need to feel needed.
I'm sorry. I don't like feeling this way ok? It's not a choice I didn't just wake up that morning and say to myself "Today I think I'll convince myself he's leaving." No. Thats not how this works. I have always thought like this, just now can feel myself getting to close. I can feel you starting to pul away. But it doesn't matter ok. It doesn't matter anymore. What I feel doesn't matter, Where I end up doesn't matter. So do what you want, because no matter how much you THINK you know or how much you don't believe me, I am being realistic. You will leave one of these days and I'm just preparing myself for the damage.
So, I won't text you first everyday. Come up and talk to me, or we won't talk. If you short answer me I simply won't reply. If you attempt to distance yourself from me, I will push you away faster than you can say "wait, don't go." Compare me to another girl and you can be Hers. Act like you Want to be with me, or you'll learn to be without. Maybe I'm not worth the effort, maybe I am. But I will tell you one thing. I was just fine before you came into my life, so I will be perfectly okay when you decide to walk out. J u s t l i k e e v e r y o n e e l s e.
And just so your story is straight. I don't have "mood swings." In the mornings, I simply do not have the energy to pretend to be someone you'll like. I don't have the energy to put on a performance. I don't have the energy to fake a smile, and be close to you. There are some nights where I just don't sleep and I'm sorry if by 7 am I'm not able to be that person, I promise its probably because I just spent the last 29 hours awake and the past 16 hours hating myself. I'm sorry if you we're mislead.
