My mom used to tell me that no matter how hard things get
I'll get through it
and no matter how scary things seem
the fear will never destroy me
and she said the people who love me will never leave me
she said no matter what, she will never leave.
I was 10 when I watched the door
closed the door with my overnight bag in hand on my way to dads as
she looked one last time before she disappeared
and saw right past me
I picked up an imaginary piece of chalk in my mind
and put a tally mark under the people I've loved and lost
It was the second tally that month
and watching my mom as I leave was harder
than sitting at my grandfathers funeral 2 weeks before
She was a liar
People will always leave
and since she lied about that I had to assume she lied about the rest
about fear being something I could overcome
about getting through the hard times.
Anxiety and depression inspired suicide
and it was on the hunt for my life every night for three years
I have scars on my thighs and fingerprints on gun triggers
but I still don't have a mom
my dad activley tries to stay out of the house and my friends don't understand what its like
to go home and have a panic attack every time you look at your front door
my home is my biggest trigger and sometimes I'm so afraid that if I stay there for too long
I might actually pull it..
