A Place for My Heart

chapter 25

Mesut

I was screaming. I was screaming at the walls, screaming at myself, screaming at the picture I had framed of Rose next to my bed. I yelled and tore at my hair in frustration.

It was too much.

We had just lost the weekend’s league game. I hadn’t been focused and Mourinho took me off at half time with a disappointed look. I couldn’t help but scan the stands every second I got for Rose. I hadn’t seen her in a week, and all I wanted to do was hold her. I wanted to hold her, to feel the curvature of her waist, to feel her long hair brush against my hand as I kept my arms around her, never letting go.

I threw the picture of her against the wall, the glass shattering and breaking onto the floor. I knew I was an emotional drunk, but I didn’t care. I hadn’t been sober for any point in the past week. I picked up my beer and went over to shattered glass. I didn’t care if I stepped on glass, I didn’t care if I fell and knocked myself out. I just wanted the pain to go away.

I picked up Rose’s picture, the glass on top of it spilling onto me and one piece getting stuck in my hand. I ignored it and stared at her. The thing I missed most was her smile. I couldn’t bear the thought that I messed this up for good. Sobs racked their way through my body, making me shake, and I lay down on the floor.

I needed her.

Cristiano

I held Rose’s hand and she smiled at me. We were on my couch watching a movie, and she was curled up in a ball with her head on my shoulder. Well, she was watching a movie. I was watching her.

“Come with me to Portugal.” I blurted out suddenly. I don’t know what had possessed me to say that, but I realized I really wanted her to come with me on my next international break. I wanted her to meet my family, to see where I was from.

“Whst?” She turned to look at me, hesitation in her voice. “Cristiano, I… I can’t. Mesut….”

“Does Mesut even know you’ve been here for the past week?”

She shook her head. “I haven’t talked to him since… well, you know.”

“So, what are you and Mesut now?” I asked, jealousy and testosterone taking over.

“I don’t know, Cris.”

“He loves you. With every beat of his heart, he would die for you.” I said. I didn’t know why I was sticking up for him. Maybe I just wanted to provoke her, maybe I wanted her to tell me what we were.

“That’s an exaggeration.”

I shook my head. “It’s true. Rose, what are you two now?”

“I don’t know!”

“Well, what are we then?”

“Cris… I don’t know. Can’t we just let this unfold -” she stopped abruptly to look at her phone which was ringing.

“Leave it. Finish your sentence.” I said, grinding my teeth. I was mad at her and I didn’t even know why.

“Cris…it’s Mesut.” She said softly, then looked at me apologetically as she answered it.

Rose

“Mesut?” I answered hesitantly. I hadn’t spoken to him in almost two weeks.

“Rose…” he slurred, clearly drunk.

I looked at Cristiano, whose hands were clenched into fists. He was clearly angry that I had answered Mesut’s call. “Mesut, are you okay?” I asked.

I heard a maniacal laugh. “Am I okay? Do you even care?” He didn’t give me the chance to answer. “I need you.” I heard glass breaking in the background.

“Mesut, what was that?”

“I NEED YOU!” He screamed.

“Stop…. Mesut, what did you just break?” I said softly.

“Please come see me.” I could tell he was crying. “Please.” He hung up.

“What did he want?” Cristiano said, his hands still clenched into fists.

“Something’s wrong with him….”

“What did he want, Rose?” His voice rose.

“He wants me to come see him.”

Cristiano groaned softly. “Are you going to?”

“Cris…. I’m scared. I’m scared he’ll hurt himself.”

“What about me? Do you even care?”

In the back of my mind I thought it was ironic that Cris and Mesut were thinking the same thing, but I didn’t bring it up. “Cris… he needs me.”

“I need you!” He yelled, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me. “Why do you always put his feelings above mine?”

“I don’t…” I whispered.

“Yes you do, Rose. Go. Go to Mesut. Get out.” He let go of me.

“Cris…” I whispered, clutching at his arm. “I just need to see if he’s okay.”

“Get. Out.” He said through gritted teeth.

I didn’t know when tears had started flowing down my face, but they were. I leaned over and kissed his cheek, then walked out.