La Douleur Exquise // Muke {Completed}

Fin

Tw-suicide mentions, abuse

Calum had never been to a funeral before. His family was healthy, his friends were fine, Luke wasn't. Calum remembered in highschool when he and Luke planned their escape from responsibilities and adult life, where they could be teenagers forever, stuck in some type of time warp.

Of course they didn't take into account Luke's mass anxiety and depression, they hardly knew it even existed, it had been there in the back of Luke's mind, but it hadn't truly effected him massively until he was ripped away from his family and friends and forced into a world much more cruel than Luke had expected.

That's when the panic attacks started, so violent he'd pass out in minutes, he didn't know what he was doing in life, he felt scared to be outside, he lost any sense of purpose and instead felt like a wannabe who felt they could change things, but knew in reality they couldn't. That's what Luke had told Calum once only two years ago. It felt like a lifetime though.

Depressive episodes came soon after, Calum was working for both of them suddenly, Luke could barely make it out of bed some days, they were growing more and more distant every passing moment, and that was the last thing Luke wanted from them. Calum wanted to keep him safe, wanted to make sure he couldn't hurt himself, that was when he became oppressive. Luke wasn't allowed out unless he was with someone, but they were in a new city and they didn't know anyone, that rule quickly transpired to Luke wasn't allowed out without Calum.

Money was draining just as fast as Calum earned it all. He was annoyed, his teenage dreams had disappeared as fast as they'd come, he blamed Luke, not himself for rushing too fast into it, not his parents for not trying to stop him, Luke was the person nearest to him, he could be the one to for Calum to take his anger out onto.

Calum remembered the first time Luke tried to kill himself. He remembers the blood running down his arms and the knife pressed to his throat and the dead look in his eyes whilst Calum screamed all the way to the hospital. That day was when Calum kept tight control on him, locking Luke away until depressive episodes ended, funnelling his money into any drugs he could afford to help Luke. He was angry that Luke would try to leave him like that. Calum felt he couldn't forgive Luke for doing something like that for him. He didn't realise how manipulative he was, until he could look back on it.

It started with just yelling, Luke wouldn't scream back. He'd cry until Calum felt the need to comfort him or panic until Calum had to stop for Luke's own safety. A few months down the line, and the two of them moved into a smaller apartment, tensions grew higher with the lack of space, Calum hit Luke within the first week of them moving in, and the power rush felt good, he felt in control of his situation for the first time in over a year.

And that's when Calum truly started using Luke, he kept Luke alive, made sure he lived, and Luke's gratitude to him meant he'd stay as Calum practically killed him with his own words and actions. He'd wished he'd seen sooner, what he was doing, but the part of him that was in denial still claimed he was protecting Luke. Goddamn he was so wrong.

Calum had never been to a funeral, but the day Luke disappeared without a trace was the day he held his first one, without a body or a grave or anyone there. It was the death of everything but memories, a life gone from Calum's, a life the went so quickly it could not of existed. Calum knew it had existed though.

Calum knew he had been the one to push Luke away, to push him over the edge, to get him the runaway without a choking thought. Luke was brave to do it, naively brave, he'd finally been able to escape Calum's obvious grasp on him. Calum hoped he felt free.

He hoped Luke was happy, wherever he could be, all he needed to know was that Luke was happy. It wouldn't make Calum feel peace, it wouldn't make him feel less like a criminal, but it would help some part of his mind, the one that worries that Luke is still depressed and alone in some horrible apartment or sleeping in the streets, somewhere he didn't deserve to be, but then maybe he believed living anywhere away from Calum was an upgrade.